New Mothers Find Solace in Togetherness

Denise Herr’s dreams had come true. She had a loving husband, a comfortable home in Yorba Linda, and a beautiful, healthy baby boy.

So why was she crying?

“I felt so isolated,” she says. “I felt that my intelligence was dwindled down to speaking baby talk to a baby. I had recently graduated from college, and I worked two jobs while I was going to school, and all of a sudden I had nothing to do, and no one to talk to about having nothing to do. My days were so slow-moving. I’d look at the clock, and it would only be noon and I’d think, ‘I’m going crazy!’

“My husband is really good about helping with the baby, but when they’re only 3 or 4 months old, really it’s just you and that baby.

“There were times when I’d just put him in his crib and cry,” she says.

And as she did, Herr wondered, “Does anybody else ever go through this?

Linda Belasco of Fullerton wondered the same thing.

“Before my son was born, people kept telling me it was really going to change my life,” she says. “And I said, ‘I’m aware of that.’ But you just don’t know what people mean by that until you have a child. I had no idea.”

Belasco started looking for other mothers to talk to, but they weren’t easy to find. “I had friends who had gone through it,” she says. “But what I wanted was people who had babies now and were going through it. When I talked to my mother, it wasn’t the same. She did it so many years ago--a lot of the techniques are different now, and she doesn’t remember how she handled everything. And I just hated to call the doctor for every little thing.”

Herr and Belasco didn’t know each other until about a week ago, but when they met, there was an instant bond between them and the seven other mothers who showed up for the YWCA of North Orange County’s first mother’s support group meeting.

Thanks to a plethora of Lamaze and other prenatal classes and seminars, expectant mothers have plenty of opportunities to learn about the changes they are experiencing and their feelings about them before the birth. But after they head home with their new arrivals, that support too often disappears.

A generation ago, new mothers didn’t need formal support groups. If you had a problem with a colicky 3-month-old, chances are there was a neighbor who was dealing with the same thing, and you could offer each other sympathy and encouragement over the back fence. And more often than not, the extended family was close enough to help out in an emergency.

But a mother who walked into the YWCA’s Fullerton office a few weeks ago didn’t have those resources to call upon. “She said she didn’t have any family in the area and couldn’t find anyone in her neighborhood who had children,” YWCA program director LaRayne Olmstead recalled.

“I need a support group,” the woman said, and Olmstead agreed.

“The response was overwhelming,” Olmstead said. “The first meeting was just supposed to be a planning session, but they really melted into a cohesive group. Once they started talking, they didn’t want to leave.”

After the first meeting, “I felt about 1,000 pounds lighter,” Herr says. “In one sense, it came a little late for me, because my son is already 1 1/2, and I’ve already come to terms with the isolation feelings. But it helped. In that group, I was allowed to be a woman as well as a mom. Until that meeting, I hadn’t felt that in a long time.”

“It doesn’t matter what economic or educational level you’re on,” Olmstead says. “We all have the same problems with babies. If you’re a millionaire and your baby’s crying at 2 a.m., it’s the same. Even if you have a high level of education and you always thought you’d be able to handle anything that came along, you can’t prepare yourself for it. With this group, for example, there was a broad spectrum of ages and backgrounds. But they all came together with this issue of being a mother. It’s a common problem and a common blessing.”

“Nobody tells mothers it’s going to be like this,” Herr says. “Nobody tells you it’s OK not to feel loving all the time. But that’s going to happen with anyone you’re close to. You feel guilty because you love this baby and want this baby so much, but you’re sometimes sad he’s there. You feel guilty that you’re so tired you just want to throw him in his bed and let him cry. That’s one thing I haven’t done, but I know lots of mothers who have. Sometimes you’re so tired all you can do is breathe. But no one tells you this, so you wonder if there’s something wrong with you.”

Belasco says she depended on books to learn how to be a mother. “But one book says one thing, and one says another. You have to rely on instinct rather than what’s in the book. I think you can do too much reading.”

“Now that I have this group, I have something to plan for during the week,” Herr says. “That’s one of the things that happens; you have nothing to plan for, nothing to look forward to. You forget what it’s like to wear anything but jeans.”

Herr plans to be a stay-at-home mother long enough to have another child and get them both in school. “There are lots of rewards, but sometimes you think that if you could handle the guilt, you’d go back to work. I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that it’s worth being at home. This is the right thing for me to do.”

Belasco, on the other hand, will be returning to work in a few weeks, as a teacher at a Los Angeles elementary school. “I do want to go to work,” she says. “But I’m still going through being upset about it. I hate to miss all the stages he’s going to be going through. For nine hours a day, I won’t be with him.”

Mothers who return to work within a year after their babies are born now outnumber those who stay home, according to a U.S. Census Bureau report released last month.

After the success of the first meeting, the YWCA plans to set up an evening group for working mothers, and possibly other groups for Hispanic and Vietnamese mothers, Olmstead says. Although she wants to keep the groups small to facilitate discussion, Olmstead hopes organizations in other parts of the county will set up similar groups.

There is a $3 fee for each session, to cover the cost of child care. The daytime group meets at 11 a.m. Friday at the YWCA of North Orange County, 321 N. Pomona Ave., Fullerton. Participants are asked to bring a potluck dish and a sack lunch for children. Reservations are required. Call (714) 871-4488 for more information.

A Baby at Last

Your parents have been waiting for grandchildren for what seems like most of your life. And finally, now that you are in your 30s (or older), you have decided to stop being the baby of the family and have one of your own. The baby-boom generation has postponed procreation longer than any of its predecessors. If you are part of the trend, we would like to know why you waited, and what difference you believe the delay has made in your life and your child’s.

How Do You Spend Your Summer Vacation?

The classic image of the family vacation is the loaded-down station wagon, kids in the back seat, Dad and Mom in front, on its way to a peaceful spot in the country. But these days, vacations don’t always mean togetherness, with some couples deciding that getting away from it all means taking a break from each other, or the kids. If you have tried separate or adults-only vacations, tell us how it worked and whether you would do it again. If you have not, tell us why not.

Send your comments to Family Life, Orange County Life, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include your phone number so that a reporter may call you. To protect your privacy, Family Life does not publish correspondents’ last names.