Hotel California : It’s Summer and You’re Booked Solid with House Guests, but There Are Ways to Save Your Peace of Mind

Twenty million people will visit Southern California this summer.

Sometimes, it may feel as if they all will be staying with you.

House guests are a fact of life for Los Angeles residents, who live in a tourist mecca. They can be fun. But they also can drive you crazy.

“Last summer, we were booked solid every weekend for four months,” said Liza Anderson, a 27-year-old graphic designer who has dubbed her Hermosa Beach home “Hotel Anderson.”

Don’t even mention Disneyland to television talk show hostess Connie Martinson of Beverly Hills. “I don’t do Disneyland--it isn’t as if I have to be a camp counselor,” said Martinson, who offers to drop Anaheim-bound guests at a nearby hotel with shuttle service.

Let’s face it, though we may love them, house guests can be a strain. Who hasn’t heard the adage about fish and visitors smelling after three days? And while not all guests leave socks in the living room and their hosts exhausted, even the most well-mannered visitors can alter the equilibrium in a home, mental health experts say.

Expert Advice

So what to do? Here are some experts’ suggestions for coping with house-guest stress:

Get ready--or just say no. When mental health experts talk about preparing for house guests, they’re not promoting a mop-and-clean mentality but rather advance work of a more cerebral nature.

Long before the plane touches down at LAX, “family members should ask each other, ‘Do we really want these people here and for how long?’ ” said Irene Goldenberg, professor of psychiatry at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute.

Martha Ruiz, 29, of Santa Monica, went so far as to borrow a friend’s apartment for her two guests, Michael Osorio , 29, of Cualta, Mexico, and his son, 7-year-old Rodrigo. It’s a good thing, too, because they showed up Saturday morning bearing loads of luggage for their 3-week stay.

If house guests are unanimously unwanted, that news should be relayed diplomatically but directly, advised Los Angeles psychologist Gary Emery, assistant clinical professor of psychology and psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine. “Tell them it’s not a good time for you.” If they persist or suggest alternative dates, continue saying it’s inconvenient until they get the message.

‘Not Right Now’

Goldenberg offered another response: “We’re not having house guests right now. Life is too complicated.” No further explanation is necessary, she said.

If the family is split on whether to have visitors, Goldenberg recommends resolving the conflict before the visit. “Maybe the husband wants the guests and the wife doesn’t,” she said. “If you can work that out (by arranging the visit during the wife’s business trip, for instance) there will be much less stress.”

Call the shots. Pinning down the length of the visit is crucial, said Goldenberg and others. And don’t be afraid to suggest a shorter stay. Also, tell guests how much time you plan on spending together. As a rule, hosts devote too much time to guests, assuming it’s their duty to plan meals, transportation and other necessities.

“Stress comes from taking care of someone you don’t want to take care of,” Goldenberg said. “I think everyone wants to be generous as a host or hostess. But don’t be more generous than you can afford psychologically, emotionally or financially.”

When dealing with picky or difficult house guests, try offering choices, advises Emery. If two of your favorite restaurants prove unacceptable to guests, say, “This is what we’re going to do unless you come up with something better.”

Take breaks. Spending 24 hours a day with a guest isn’t wise, mental health specialists agreed. Before guests arrive, plan time for yourself, said Robert Maurer, assistant clinical professor of family medicine at the UCLA School of Medicine and a psychologist at Santa Monica Hospital Medical Center, who urged hosts to “get theater tickets (for yourself), make work obligations.”

Brief breaks should be taken daily, Goldenberg added: “After dinner, for example, say, ‘Excuse me, I need to write some letters. Do you need anything?’ ”

‘72-Hour Rule’

Following the “72-hour rule” can greatly reduce house-guest stress, believes Kenyon Chan, a West Los Angeles psychologist: Be sure guests leave every three days, even if it’s only for a brief side trip.

House guests, too, may welcome such interludes because they can “feel tyrannized in the same way as hosts,” said Maurer.

Be realistic. Many hosts are inclined to give too much, experts say. “Never do more for a house guest than you want to do without reward or appreciation,” suggested Washington psychiatrist Dorothy Starr.

“Most people offer (favors) and hope only some will be accepted,” noted Dr. Lee B. Gold, a Sherman Oaks psychiatrist and a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the USC School of Medicine. “Then they start to resent that the person seems to be taking them for granted.

“The more reality-oriented we tend to be, the more we can adapt (to house guests),” Gold said.

Don’t feel guilty. Said one host who wasn’t on vacation when his guests obviously were: “You feel a little guilty going off to work.” But Connie Martinson takes a different view: “Nobody said you’ve got to be Conrad Hilton.”

Hosts shouldn’t feel as if they must “knock themselves out” for their guests, Starr said. “You do the other person a favor by being good to yourself, because then you’re pleased and it’s more pleasant for the guest. If you run around trying to do everything for the guest, you make the guest feel like (his stay is) a burden.”

Don’t treat guests like royalty. When overnight company arrives, most families are on their best behavior, believes Starr. But maintaining company manners can become tiresome and stressful.

Expect guests to function as if they live with you, she advised. And that can mean taking out the garbage or bringing in the groceries.

Inform guests of vital household rules. Glendale photographer Louise Newton, mother of six grown children who visit often, used to grin and bear it when her visitors’ dogs lounged on the couch. Now, she makes it clear that dogs belong outside, not on the furniture. “My philosophy is, if you’re bothered by something and don’t say anything, it’s your own fault.”

Beware of golden memories. Most hosts remember the good times they’ve had with guests and forget their bad habits. Maurer calls this “sanitizing the past.”

“You had a roommate in college, for example, who was always on the selfish side, but you had great fun together,” Maurer said. “But he never cleaned up after himself and he never talked softly on the phone late at night.” Many hosts don’t recall such behavior until they’re faced with a cluttered living room or tripping over shoes.

But even the most realistic hosts will probably find relatives to be more difficult house guests than friends, experts agreed, partly because of the greater “histories” and possibly unresolved psychological issues.

“With relatives, there may be the wish for a better relationship, plus the (perceived) need to maintain the relationship,” Maurer said. Old rivalries between grown siblings may surface, too, making compromises seem like admitting defeat in an old war.

A host whose family is visiting may slip back into an old family role, experts said, perhaps making members of the immediate family feel left out. One solution, Chan said, is to “be sure family members (who visit) make the host’s spouse or significant other feel like a part of the larger family, and to remind the spouse that their tie is now stronger than the (original) family tie.”

Look at the bright side. Having guests can be fun, break a dull routine and can give people--especially singles--a feeling of being more “connected” with the world, Chan said.

And guests can also make a host’s life easier. Secretary Judith Alonso said one of her house guests stayed for two weeks and caused no conflict. “The guest walked and fed the dog and drove me to work in the morning,” she said. “We gave each other space.”

A visitor can also teach you to appreciate your city “from eyes you don’t have yourself,” Chan added. “I think that’s helpful.”

Practice “active resignation.” Bart Harrington of Whittier was recently outvoted by his wife and three visiting sisters-in-law when the group set out for dinner. “Even though I don’t like Mexican food, I agreed to go,” said Harrington, whose wife, Brenna, reasoned, “Well, it’s their vacation.”

Harrington was practicing, perhaps unconsciously, what Emery calls active resignation--acknowledging that inconveniences accompany a house guest’s stay and putting those inconveniences in perspective.

“With every gain, there’s a loss, and vice versa,” Emery said. “The gain is the visit, the loss may be the clutter in the living room. Accept the losses and put them in perspective.”