COMMENTARY : Running at the Mouth

Seriously, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been too busy with my chores around the paper, plus a lot of things that needed attending around the house. So I missed filing for President and I wasn’t invited to the debates.

But I would accept a draft for President, of course, but only if it was honest and sincere; because I feel that this is time for a change in this great country.

People used to think of America as something special. But today people are sick and tired of dissatisfaction. Today people are starving from hunger. The unemployed don’t have jobs. Our air pollution stinks. Our garbage is a lot of rubbish and trash . . . and it’s time we rolled up our sleeves and pulled down our pants!

My friends, we need a new voice that will thunder from the mountain and reverberate through the valley. . . .

And we will put together a coalition of protest . . . the rich and the poor . . . the tall and the short . . . the lean and the hungry. . . .

And I swear at my mother that I will get this country moving again, because cleanliness is next to Godliness, drive carefully and covet not thy neighbor’s wife!

Why, I ask, aren’t these other candidates talking about the issues? That’s the big issue in this campaign, talking about the issues.

I think we ought to tax the poor people up and the rich people down . . . and then we’ll all be in the middle together.

We’ve got to do something about our schools. Our schools are the best defense against a good education.

Our police beat up a lot of people. Do you think that’s easy. No, it is not easy beating up people. It is hard work and tiring to your arms.

A lot of our politicians and government officials accept small bribes and payoffs. Do you think it’s fun to accept small bribes and payoffs? No, it is not fun to accept small bribes and payoffs.

Why I would rather have one little dollar from 10 million little people . . . than a hundred dollars from 23 big people!

I stand on poor people like every good American--with both feet!

Thirty million Americans go to bed hungry every night. That’s a disgrace! Damn it, we’ve got to force those people to eat something!

Friends, we can have our cake and eat it too. We can have fresh buttermilk under the tank house and the hogs will wax fat.

And when you’re down and out, lift up your head and shout . . . it’s gonna be a great day!

Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face!

This is not the time for tired, old, worn our cliches. No, this is the time for brand-new, fresh cliches!

Friends, cliches won’t fill empty stomachs!

. . . and as we march off into the horizon, the burden heavy on our back . . . we will pull ourselves up by the bootstrap, put our shoulder to the wheel, our nose to the grindstone, our teeth on the nail, our finger on the trigger, our eye on the bouncing ball!

Does this sound silly? Does this sound dumb and nonsensical? Ludicrous, stupid, ridiculous?

But, friends, that is what America is all about. People are not afraid to stand up in this country, in front of everybody . . . and look really, really ridiculous.