Loss of Partner : Therapist Links ‘Loveshock’ to Victorian Age

Dr. Stephen Gullo figures he could have changed history had he been able to treat Queen Victoria for “loveshock” after the death of Prince Albert.

He thinks the rigidity of the Victorian Age stemmed directly from the failure of the “Widow of Windsor” to cope with the loss of her husband.

Gullo, who practices psychotherapy in New York and teaches at Columbia University, has defined the loss of a loved one--through death or a parting of the ways--as loveshock.

And that is the name of a book he has written with a former patient, Connie Church, a Los Angeles writer who is a divorcee and the mother of two.

They see Great Britain’s Victoria as an extreme example of someone who never faced up to the problem of dealing with a broken heart.

Empire in ‘Loveshock’

“So great was her loss that she put the entire British Empire into loveshock,” Gullo wrote. “The somber clothing, the austerity, the rigidity--the Victorian Age was in truth an age of mourning, a reflection of Queen Victoria’s grief, her own loveshock.”

The therapist would have led the queen through six steps, teaching her “how to recover from heartbreak and love again.”

Whether Victoria could have loved again, she probably would have benefited from understanding the process--from shock, grief and setting blame to resignation, rebuilding and resolution.

In shock, Gullo wrote, there is “an immediate sense of numbness, disorientation and disbelief.” During grief there is not just mourning for the loss of the person but mourning for the “unfulfilled promise of a life together.”

People next start blaming themselves, the other person or others in general or they may look to their general life circumstances as well to place blame. Gullo said anger is usually the strongest emotion at this time.

Resignation is called the “goodby stage” and some consider it the hardest to get through. In rebuilding, the person realizes the worst is over and it is time to start dating and “focusing on your own needs for the first time in your life.”

‘New Life Cycle’

During the resolution stage, people start “a new life cycle,” aware they have “made peace with their emotional pain.”

“While I had no cure to offer my patients, I could help them make sense of what they were experiencing--make them realize that they could endure what they initially found to be unbearable,” Gullo wrote.

He first treated women who were trying to adjust to living with terminally ill husbands but he later became a sought-after counselor for star-crossed lovers.

Recently, Gullo and Church have been on the talk-show circuit, promoting their book.

In an interview in Minneapolis, they agreed that their effort amounts to “an anatomy of heartbreak.”

Much of the book deals with the loss of a lover or a spouse through divorce.

“I thought I was going insane,” Church said, recalling the period after her husband asked for a divorce.

She said friends put her in touch with Gullo.

Minimizing Pain

“Through him I found the skills, the tools, to get through the process,” she said. “Our purpose is to minimize the pain. We hope to get people to avoid taking a destructive route--not to rely on alcohol or drugs or to binge on food or not eat at all.”

“The big thing is to assure distraught lovers caught in this process that they are not going crazy--that what they are experiencing is as common as the common cold,” Gullo said. “It is usually a big relief once they realize how natural their feelings are.

“We are not dealing with psychotherapy. We are trying to teach survival skills.”

The authors agree that the problems of loveshock are probably more pronounced in modern times because the Victorian age didn’t last.

“Young people no longer have the inhibitions of their parents and grandparents on long-term commitments,” Gullo said. “Living together before marriage is common and there is a much different view of casual sexual relationships.”

But the basic problem doesn’t change.

Counseling Sometimes Needed

On a call-in radio show in the Twin Cities, Gullo had a call from a man living in rural Minnesota who lost his wife 15 years ago.

“He was still trying to do something to impress his former mate even though she was remarried and living far away,” he said. “We tried to impress on him how important it was to get on with his life but this man may need the help of a mental health counselor.”

In the book, the authors said such counseling may be necessary in some cases, noting that they are only offering recommended guidelines.

Gullo said people vary on how much time it takes to get through each step, calling this “traveling time.”

“Whether you travel too slow or too fast, your goal should be to confront your emotional pain realistically and to allow your psyche to move you through each stage at a rate that is appropriate for you,” he said. “It’s how well you deal with the critical issues that come up at each stage that’s important, not whether you are a fast or slow traveler.”