His Need for Ad Did Not Compute

To be free, gifted and 43--is it really as bad as they say?

The other night at a party, I met a man whom I have always thought of as a legend. He was one of those computer geniuses who was part of the Home Brew Computer Club, which also included the likes of Stephen Wozniak and Steve Jobs. It was this group that met in the ‘70s and invented the personal computer.

The question in my mind as I spoke to him was: Why was Steve Jobs on the cover of Newsweek and Business Week and not him? Why had Wozniak--and not the gentleman at the party--donated his spare millions from Apple Computer to cockamamie rock festivals? A brief discussion of the party boy’s background yielded a clue. “My father was Jewish and my mother an upper-crust WASP,” he said. Then he added matter-of-factly, “Of course, they were both communists.”

OK, he’s so smart, and that’s why he’s not rich. But he was also a tall, dark and zany man, so I was even more surprised when he said, “At the age of 43, I’ve had a kind of breakdown and decided I should get married.” He told me he had just placed a personals ad in the paper seeking a wife.

For the life of me, I could not imagine why this man did not have a harem. Even if it’s against his religion to get rich, he’ll never be wanting. Maybe he’s a little goofy, but nobody’s perfect.

He claimed he had a hard time meeting women. We spoke at length about his problem. Of course, I admitted, I didn’t know diddly about today’s complex mating game. I was still on my first husband. I married the boy who took me to the senior prom--as soon as our mothers would let us. And then I said, “Wait a minute, why are you wasting this party talking to me?” The room was filled with gorgeous women with “Yes! Yes!” in their eyes.

“That’s my problem,” he said. So I shoved him toward the crowd and said, “Mingle! Mingle!”

As the old saying goes: “What profit a man if he masters a machine but still can’t mingle with a woman.”

Now, I have always thought of personals ads as the last refuge of schlemiels, current research to the contrary notwithstanding. I assumed that “Witty, handsome computer genius seeks bright, friendly woman” translated to “Dorky guy who still reads Mad magazine seeks anything he can get.” But what if it’s really true that “Athletic neurosurgeon with home, time-share, yacht and personality wants mature woman for serious commitment”?

A while back, I wrote what I thought was a satirical column about “what women really want.” A man in Seattle thanked me for my help and added pleadingly: “Please, Ms. Kahn, tell me more about how to find women.”

I guess it really is a lovelorn mine field out there. Why should it be so much harder to handle a woman than a piece of communications software? And if 3,000 how-to authors haven’t had the final word, if Dear Abby hasn’t said all that needs to be said, Dear Alice will have a go at it: User’s Manual for Love-Finder.

--Talk to everyone. Don’t worry about what you say. Wing it. Free-associate in public. Press your own “Search” button. Flirt with everyone but the boss’s wife and the capo ‘s daughter.

--Be nice. Wimpiness turns women off. Niceness drives them wild. There’s a difference between being wimpy and being nice. I don’t know what it is. As Mac users say: “Find the pointer by clicking the mouse.”

--Be yourself. If your self is a jerk, be prepared to love the jerk you attract. You are two pieces of the same puzzle. She is the yin Madonna to your yang Sean Penn. You don’t really have an “Options” button in life.

--Don’t waste too much time on grooming. You don’t want to be all gift wrap and no birthday present, all megabyte and no RAM. But do brush your teeth.

--Get a puppy instead of an external drive. It will take the edge off your desperation. It will put things into perspective. And if you already have someone to lick your feet, you won’t expect it from a woman.