Warning: This Column May Be Too Hot to Read

From “Donahue” and “Oprah” to “Geraldo” and “The Morton Downey Jr. Show”: If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

So . . . here is the Calendar section’s first-ever, never-before-seen-or-contemplated, incredibly exciting TRASH TABLOID SHOCK CONFRONTATION INDISPENSABLE INFORMATION COLUMN that you simply must read to believe.

If you have a weak heart, stop here. The Los Angeles Times cannot be responsible for your health.

I am wearing a dress!

Yes, that’s right. Macho, rugged me. Wrists of steel. Yet, as I write this, I’m having my own one-man transvestite fashion show. I’m attired as a female--not only in a floral challis dress with full skirt, one-button jewel neck, two hip pockets, shoulder pads, elastic waist and black embossed vinyl belt, but also bra, panties, garter belt, high heels, the works. I’m also wearing a long, blonde wig, purple eye shadow, rouge, false eyelashes and bright-pink acrylic nails so long that I can hardly type.

Am I writing this column as a transvestite merely to be outrageous, attract attention and increase my readership? Me? Mr. Integrity? Absolutely not. I’m doing it to make an important statement that I will share with you as soon as I determine what it is.

ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

You won’t believe this. You really won’t. But someone who is prejudiced against cross-dressers just hit me in the face with a chair and broke my nose just as I was smoothing my dress. My mascara is running and, oh, I’m in such pain. But I must continue writing this column because it is my job. Meanwhile, I’ll just put this bandage on my nose.

PARENTS! PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THE NEXT PARAGRAPH CONTAINS FILTH AND MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!!!

Oh, my gosh! You won’t believe this. You absolutely won’t. But two voluptuous females in skimpy bikinis have entered this column and have begun wrestling in a huge vat of mud. Oh, no! Now they’re pulling in a male copy editor and they’re all grappling in the slime.

SQUEAL. SLIP. SQUISH. SLIDE. SPLATTER.

What’s this? A prostitute has just sneaked into the column through a dangling participle. She’s telling me that she is the president of Hookers for a Democratic Afghanistan. And what’s happening in this column now is too awful to believe.

POW! OOOOOMPH! ZONK! $%D&*! CRRRRRRUNCH!

This column has just been crashed by three members of Satanist Skinheads for Lower Cholesterol, who have been tackled by the Lesbian Canasta Players Marching Band, which is being spat upon by Women Who Had Liposuction After Murdering Their Husbands With Chainsaws.

IF YOU WERE REVOLTED BY THE VIOLENCE IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPHS, DO NOT--I REPEAT, DO NOT--CONTINUE READING!

You will find what I am about to relate to you simply too bizarre to be believed. But it is true.

A paragraph from People magazine’s negative review of ABC’s “War and Remembrance” has invaded this column and confronted a paragraph from my own rave review of “War and Remembrance.” But wait, for even worse. . . .

SOCK! SMASH! SLAM! $%D&*! SREECH!

In what is surely journalism’s first column civil war, paragraphs from my own review--one calling “War and Remembrance” brilliant and another referring to the competing “Goddess of Love” on NBC as imbecilic--are now clashing savagely.

And now, astonishingly, Robert Mitchum and Vanna White are renewing their dazzling acting duel as Pug Henry and Venus, respectively. It’s horrible. It’s brutal. It’s violent. It’s a battlefield. Let’s listen in.

Venus: “I will take my leave of you now.”

Pug: “Zzzzzzzz.”

MORE FILTH IS ON THE WAY! ADULTS STAY WITH US! BUT NOT YOU KIDS!

I’ve finally managed to clear the column of the shrill opportunists whose high jinks I have tolerated for informational purposes only. But now, what’s this? My gosh. You may not believe this, but it’s true. Oh nohhhhh. The entire editorial staff of The Los Angeles Times is. . . .

FLASHING!!!!

Get outta here, you creeps! Go on, get outta here! Get outta the column! Get outta the city! Get outta the business! The readers don’t want your perverted Commie garbage!

What they do want--as they’ve indicated in the thousands of letters I’ve received since beginning today’s column--is a repeat of my fourth and fifth paragraphs. As a selfless altruist, I can only comply. So by popular demand and as a public service:

“ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

“You won’t believe this. You really won’t. But someone who is prejudiced against cross-dressers just hit me in the face with a chair and broke my nose just as I was smoothing my dress. My mascara is running and oh, I’m in such pain. But I must continue with this column because it is my job. Meanwhile, I’ll just put this bandage on my nose.”

Well, folks, I’m out of paragraphs. Just one more unbelievable thing. It’s flat-out incredible, but since I began writing today’s column. . . .

I HAVE LOST 112 POUNDS!!!!

How did I do it? Read Monday’s column. Meanwhile, I’m outta here. This garter belt is killing me.