Baby Boomers or Blooming Babies?

Because I sit here on the cutting edge, I often get sore as I look into the future. “What do you see out there, Alice?” people ask me, as if I had the slightest idea.

But since we all want to know what lies around the bend, I’m willing to make something up. If it doesn’t come true, I’m still the same jerk I was yesterday. If it does, people will say I’m a prophet, a seer, the best darned pulse-taker in the business. There will be a cult of Alice. Investors will buy my newsletter. Demographers will deify me. Reporters will call and ask me to comment.

And you, my secret admirer, can tell your friends that you know for a fact that she’s only making it up. (My 9-year-old daughter recently told a friend what I do for a living. “My mom starts with the truth,” she said, “. . . and then she expands on it.”)

So let’s expand on what’s to be:

1--We won’t grow up. As TV, advertisers and other connoisseurs of culture continue to pander to baby boomers, the boomers will stay babies. Boomer-pandering will further convince people in their 40s that they are the center of the universe--the world view of an infant. As a result we will see more books about Adult Children of. . . .

It started with Adult Children of Alcoholics, a worthy movement that recognized the genetic aspect of the disease of alcoholism. But now everybody wants to blame everything on Mommy and Daddy. We are the Adult Children of Schmoes, Adult Children of Wet Blankets, Adult Children of Bowling Addicts. The point is that a whole generation will remain adult children for a least another decade.

2--We will try to grow up. Fads in therapy will cater to attempts by adult children to become adult adults. But instead of looking forward for the answers, we will continue to regress.

The biggest hunk of psychobaloney in the ‘80s was “rebirthing,” in which one attempted to overcome birth trauma under the guidance of a therapist. The therapist was a professional who took some courses in Modern Weirdness at the New Age School for Exploration and Networking.

Having experienced rebirth in the therapist’s hot tub, it is now time for--what else?--rebonding. This is part of the bonding bonanza that includes: male bonding (friendship), pair bonding (marriage) and wage bonding (work).

There are currently a number of products to help today’s parents get a jump start on bonding. These include the “Preg-a-phone,” a device that allows a mom to talk to her baby while it is still in her womb and a “nursing bib” for fathers that holds two bottles in the breast position so baby can bond equally to Dad. These items are part of the growth market in junk bonding.

3--We will grow old. Even if we won’t grow up, our bodies will have the last laugh. We will start to forget things and think we are senile. We will demand brain scans to prove we are senile. We will rub Minoxidil on our heads to preserve our graying hair, and we will rub Retin-A on our faces to freshen up our wrinkling skin. And here’s the rub: Even as we jog in knee braces and ride 20-speed dirt bikes up the slightest incline, we will still think we’re cool.

4--We won’t get any new toys. George Bush will find himself presiding over the era of Post-Voodoo Economics. We will have to call it quits, with nothing but a VCR, a cellular phone and a CD player to show for our efforts. We won’t get a fax of our own as Adult Children of a Recession.

We will pout and cry and want another leader. We will bond to the first guy who comes along and promises us more toys.

We will elect Donald Trump President in 1992 on the slogan: “I’ll Cut You In on the Deal.” He’ll spank us and send us to bed without our dinner. We’ll dig it.