Violence Marks at Least Half the Homes in the United States

The chances are very good indeed that you have a violent home, or are close to someone who does.

It can be estimated with certainty that at least half the homes in America are violent, said researcher Richard J. Gelles. “We can say that easily because half of all households have children under 18, and pretty much every parent hits their kids.”

Gelles, co-author with Murray A. Straus of “Intimate Violence” (Simon and Schuster, $19.95), said “violence is inappropriate, no matter what it is.” If a household has infrequent episodes of grabbing, shoving or spanking--even once a year--that still is a violent home, Gelles said.

And just as the public often considers violent acts such as spanking or shoving effective and acceptable means of resolving conflict, so too is there a fundamental misunderstanding of the causes of violence, said Gelles, who is dean of the College of Arts and Sciences and professor of anthropology and sociology at the University of Rhode Island. (Straus is professor of sociology and director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire.)

All Socioeconomic Levels

It isn’t drug or alcohol abuse that leads to violence. Abusers aren’t, for the most part, mentally ill. Abuse is found in families at all socioeconomic levels.

People hit family members “because they can,” the authors said. Abusers face few costs. While being violent in public has definite, negative consequences, few exist in domestic cases. In the rare instances that family members are arrested, the criminal justice system encourages keeping family members together.

And abusers are rewarded by their behavior, the authors wrote. Their violence will stop a wife or child from acting in the way that irritates them; they are able to work off anger, gain a sense of control and enhance their self-esteem.

So, the authors said, both public policy and individuals’ strategies have to be directed at making it “so people can’t” use violence in family situations.

“The general perception is that there has to be an injury for it to be considered abuse,” Gelles said, and he and Straus have been criticized for overestimating abuse. But tabulating only cases involving injury doesn’t make sense, Gelles said.

“If you set out to stab your husband or wife, chances are pretty low that you’re going to succeed,” Gelles said. But to exclude the attempt as an incident of violence “doesn’t make any sense to me,” he said.

Emotional Abuse

An additional issue is emotional abuse, which Gelles and Straus characterize as “the most hidden, most insidious, least researched and perhaps in the long run most damaging form of intimate victimization.” A precise definition is difficult, but possible forms include scorning, ignoring, harping and criticizing, they wrote.

The striking characteristic of women abused by their husbands “is that they tend to be debilitated by it,” Gelles said. They usually look 10 to 20 years older than they are, he said. They become “brainwashed into believing they deserve it.”

The striking characteristic of abused children is their behavior, he said. “They have no attention span, or they are totally within themselves, which is less common.”

More often, abused children “look for someplace to put their anger”--on a family member, pets, a teacher or another authority figure. “The more severe the force, the greater the damage” to the child, Gelles noted.

There must be a fundamental rethinking of violence, the authors argued. The most important step in preventing violence in the home “is cancellation of the hitting license in families,” they wrote.

And, they said, “We must develop programs and policies that support families and reduce internal and external stresses and inequalities.”

Down-to-Earth Advice

To that end, they favor programs that would prevent poverty, unemployment and unwanted pregnancies, and strict gun control is also needed. They encourage women to work because research indicates that paid employment enhances mental health and is related to more equality and less violence in the home.

“Intimate Violence,” with its extensive reporting of research, is a reasoned, comprehensive and somewhat academic look at the problem. But Gelles has some very down-to-earth advice for the victims of domestic abuse.

It is up to an individual “to take a strong stance,” Gelles said. A woman who is abused by her husband must present him with “a cost that is believable and affects” him. “And for God’s sake, don’t hit him.” When there is an attack, “call the police, make sure they arrest him. . . . If he wants to come back, make it only under very specific conditions.

“If you can’t work it out, get out. You only go one time around, and your one time shouldn’t be spent being a punching bag for this guy.”

For all parents, he has this advice: “Don’t hit your kids. When you start, you don’t know where it’s going to go to.”