It’s Time to Honor Rams, So Expect the Unexpected

Now that the Ram regular season, an odd mixture of feast and famine, is complete, I thought it only right to have an awards banquet.

Since there’s not much of an actual budget for food (Domino’s was closed) or trophies (seen one, you’ve seen them all), let’s get right to the presentation ceremony.

Beginning with . . .

Most Valuable Player

I’ll give you a hint: It’s not quarterback Jim Everett. Or running back Greg Bell. Or wide receiver Henry Ellard. Or cornerback Jerry Gray. Or even Eric Dickerson, who, in his own way, helped the Rams return to the playoffs by demanding a trade last October.

It’s tight end Pete Holohan. That’s right, Pete Holohan--dependable as a Volkswagen clutch, as sticky-fingered as a kleptomaniac, as unassuming as your next-door neighbor.

For the bargain basement price of one fourth-round draft choice, Holohan has become arguably the team’s most precious receiving resource. He catches everything thrown his way. He’s not fast. He’s not big. He’s not a great blocker. But Holohan has 59 receptions, many of which belong in scrapbooks.

Ellard makes the Pro Bowl, and deservedly so. But Holohan should be on some postseason team. So like it or not, Pete, you’re on mine. Congratulations.

Best Defensive Player

With apologies to Gray, my choice is linebacker Kevin Greene.

Find another Ram defensive starter who had the impact that Greene--who finished second in the league in sacks (16 1/2)--had this season. Good luck, too.

Linebacker Mel Owens? He was on his way to a Pro Bowl season before an ankle injury ruined things.

Gray? A safe pick, but not the right one.

Defensive lineman Gary Jeter? A sentimental choice and one with some merit.

Still, the hyper-intense Greene was the most menacing force on the Ram defense. Opposing coaches had to account for him first and other Ram defenders second.

Best Offensive Player

The vote was close--1-0, in favor of, ta-da, Everett.

Again, you could make a case for Ellard, but Everett wins this one simply because of his importance to the Rams. If Ellard goes down, the Rams suffer. If Everett goes down, the Rams wave goodby to the playoffs.

And while Everett has struggled at times, he also has made remarkable progress from a year ago. He is a different quarterback, both in style in substance. His 1988 statistics reflect that.

This year he passed for almost 1,000 yards more than his previous two seasons combined. His touchdown total (31) nearly doubled his totals for 1986 and ’87. And the all-important Bonehead Quotient, a little something I keep to measure dumb plays, was way down from previous Everett seasons.

Best Assistant Coach

Sure, Ernie Zampese took the Zzzzzzz out of the Ram offense, but it is offensive line Coach Hudson Houck who makes it work by producing an annual bumper crop of Pro Bowl types.

The Rams lead the league in Pro Bowl selections this decade and they can thank Houck for the distinction. Of the 41 Ram Pro Bowl choices, 19 have come from Houck’s offensive lines.

Now if he could only figure out what to do with that perennial inactive man, Mike Schad.

Most Likely To Succeed On Offense

Running back Robert Delpino.

Delpino has become a Ram favorite because of his toughness, his maturity and versatility. He is everything the Rams hope Gaston Green will become.

Most Likely To Succeed On Defense

Linebacker Fred Strickland.

Coach John Robinson’s sideburns stand on end when he starts talking about Strickland. Robinson nearly hurts himself smiling when discussing Strickland’s size and potential.

Happy days are ahead for the Rams if Strickland proves Robinson right.

Future Chairman Of The Jackie Slater Retirement Fund

Offensive tackle Irv Pankey, who once again was a no-show on the Pro Bowl roster despite playing the best football of his career. Pankey is forever cursed by the presence of Slater, a 5-time Pro Bowl man, on the other end of the offensive line.

Voters remember Slater. Voters think Irv Pankey is the capital of Bulgaria.

The Couldn’t-Catch-A-Break-If-His-Georgio Armani Suit-Depended-On-It Player

You have to think about this one?

It’s Bell in a romp.

First, Robinson calls him an “enigma” at the start of the season. Then Dickerson calls him “a little dwarf.” Then, with 1,212 rushing yards and 18 touchdowns to his credit, Bell is left off the Pro Bowl roster in favor of Atlanta Falcon free agent John Settle.

Most To-Do About Nothing Award

The return of punter Dale Hatcher.

Hatcher suffered a knee injury in training camp. His replacement, Rich Camarillo, was signed and averaged 39.5 yards a punt before Hatcher rejoined the team.

Hatcher’s average? 39.6 yards.

Player Destined To Win The Silver Tongue Award

A 3-way tie:

Irvin, Greene and defensive end Doug Reed. They’re no Dennis Harrah, but they know a good quote when they say one.

Best Ram Trivia Stumper

What makes more noise--a sellout crowd of Brie munchers at Anaheim Stadium on Ram game day . . . or a subtitled Ingmar Bergman film?

You’re right, it’s the Ingmar flick. A Ram crowd? Are you kidding? You can hear a beach ball drop at Ram games.