Random Thoughts on Things in General

--There is nothing as complicated as trying to set the alarm on a hotel alarm clock. They must have them made special.

--Basketball has two halves. Football has four quarters. So why doesn’t hockey have three thirds?

--Fascinating True Life Fact No. 11: Of all the people who have ever died, half have died from malaria.

--Why do stores ask you to write your home phone number on the credit card receipt? If you have enough guts to use a bad card, you certainly have enough to list a false phone number.

--Anyone who calls a BMW a “Beemer” should be beaten with sticks.

--How come in movies businessmen always sit behind their desks with their suit jackets on and in real life nobody ever does?

--You’re pretty old if you can remember record stores where they actually let you play the record before buying it. In fact, you’re pretty old if you can remember records.

--I’m convinced the reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

--Never trust a man who parts his hair on the right.

--There are only six people in America who know how to put on tire chains. (And five of them have retired and moved to Florida.)

--Walking up a stalled escalator gives you a very eerie feeling.

--The worst people in the world are those who count their Christmas cards to see if they received more than they sent.

--Flower arranging is one of the great unrecognized art forms.

--I understand laughing at Bob Hope’s jokes out of loyalty or respect or pity. But anyone who still thinks they are funny should seek professional help.

--Never trust a man who wears brown socks.

--Twenty years from now there will be no TV screens. The picture will be projected directly onto your eyeballs.

--I have never met a woman who has liked her feet.

--Guys who refuse to wear coats in cold weather take it as a sign of manliness. I take it as a sign of brain damage.

--When’s the last time you heard a good knock-knock joke? I mean a really good knock-knock joke?

--The federal government should require hotels to include all the local taxes when they quote you a room price. It would prevent “sticker shock” when you check out.

--Have you ever noticed that foods that begin with the letter “P” (pickles, potato chips, popcorn, pizza, etc.) are a lot of fun to eat? Is this significant?

--A phrase that was cute the first 10,000 times I heard people use it, but now is getting a little old: “Read my lips.”

--Home FAX machines are the status symbol of the ‘90s.

--The only reason to monogram your shirt is if you have difficulty in remembering your name.

--I am told that there is great satisfaction in making a “Things to Do List” and then checking off each task after you have completed it. The only thing I have listed, however, is: “Make a Things to Do List.”

--How come people say “bless you” after you sneeze, but not after you cough?

--Do you ever wonder what happened to your old ant farm?

--Stereo buffs are the most tedious people in the world.

--Women who chew the ends of their hair have more serious problems than split ends.

--What’s going to happen to all those Epiladys when women find out how much they really hurt?

--How often does Amtrak really change those head doilies?