How to Complain and Make Your Voice Heard

Would you book a cruise that advertised like this?

“You’ll have fun aboard the friendly 30-year-old SS Rustbottom, which failed her last five sanitation inspections in spite of heavily spiking the drinking water with chlorine.

“Our bottom-of-the-line cabins are so small that you have to take turns getting dressed, and our menus are created by a Miami-based computer programmed to give you the maximum number of calories for the lowest possible cost.

“Our inexperienced and incompetent staff could not care less about your comfort or pleasure, and the residents of our popular ports of call make their livelihoods by harassing you in the streets to buy their overpriced souvenirs.”

Apparently a few readers did. At least that’s the gist of some recent passenger complaint letters sent our way, indicating that there are times when “the customer is always right” turns into caveat emptor (let the buyer beware).

What are some of the things that make passengers angry?

Biggest Complaint

First and foremost seem to be promises the passenger felt were implied in the brochure or claimed were made by the travel agent or cruise line booking agent before the trip.

Ambiguous terms such as first class, deluxe, elegance and five star-- typical hyperbole created by ad agency copywriters who may never have been aboard the ship--are echoed bitterly by the disappointed letter writers who expected something grander than they received.

Some expectations appear unrealistic to more experienced cruisers: 24-hour room service does not necessarily mean that hot four-course meals are served in the cabin in the wee small hours, for instance.

And no cruise-savvy travel agent would promise clients that they could spend the entire disembarkation and turnaround day aboard ship until time to catch their evening flight home.

Other complaints, however, are more troublesome. Two Midwestern readers last year reported vexing plumbing and ventilation problems aboard two small vessels--Exploration’s Majestic Explorer (out of service at present) and the Ambassador (being refurbished).

A well-traveled California couple aboard Ocean’s Ocean Princess, on the first South American sailing after a three-week refitting in drydock, complained about faulty air conditioning and noisy construction work during the cruise.

A passenger on Admiral’s Azure Seas last winter was annoyed by a daylong carpeting installation outside her cabin, followed by a severe winter storm that knocked out dinner service, felled most aboard with seasickness and forced cancellation of a scheduled Ensenada port call.

Language Problems

The only two American couples aboard a Russian cruise ship not long ago were astonished to find that virtually no one spoke English and that their fellow passengers, most of them West Germans, were not particularly sociable in a second language.

One passenger complained about small cabins on RCCL’s Nordic Prince, although the standard cabin photograph and diagram in the ship’s brochure clearly shows that two beds, a stool and dressing table fill the room.

Like beauty, satisfaction often depends on the eye of the beholder. A report on Carnival’s Holiday brought one reader’s complaints about “plain, uninspiring food” and “unimaginative, limited activities,” while another reader was so pleased with the same ship that she booked a second cruise six months later.

What should you do when you have a complaint?

--Take it immediately to the person responsible for that area of service: to the housekeeper if it involves the cabin or cabin service, to the maitre d’hotel or chief steward if it is a dining room complaint and to one of the purser’s staff if it has to do with ship charges or procedures.

Speak calmly and explain the situation in a reasonable tone of voice, and it should be corrected. If not, go to a higher-up, normally the hotel manager or chief purser. Seething silently or complaining to other passengers only aggravates the annoyance.

Use the Questionnaire

--On the questionnaire you’re given at the end of the cruise, point out any problems you have encountered. Everyone up to and including the chairman of the board and the shipowner read them whenever there is a serious complaint.

--If you want a smooth, trouble-free sailing, avoid any shakedown, inaugural, maiden voyage or first sailings on the heels of major renovations. Although some ships have sailed through them with flying colors, this is when the vessel is most vulnerable to plumbing, heating, air conditioning and water-pressure problems.

--If you are considering booking a ship that never sails from a U. S. port, and your travel agent does not have firsthand knowledge of the ship, take some time to check on it before putting down a deposit.

Some lesser-known ships or very low-priced sailings may feature discounted cabins left over from a group or charter or a cruise marketed primarily in another country, and you could find yourself odd man out.

--When dealing with waiters and stewards to whom English is a second or third language, speak slowly and distinctly and be ready with an alternative word when they don’t understand your initial request.

A Los Angeles woman was infuriated recently on a Royal Viking sailing when her cabin stewardess didn’t know what a cantaloupe was; if she’d asked for a melon, she would have gotten a serving of breakfast fruit instead of the envelope that was delivered by a bewildered Scandinavian.

--Finally, read the fine print at the end of the company brochure and on the back of your ticket/contract. You’ll find that the line is usually not responsible for missed ports of call, changed itineraries or liabilities in connection with independent contractors such as airlines or ground tour operators.

Perhaps the most unusual complaint came from a man who wrote: “Do all cruises have a casino? My wife loves the casino and spends a good portion of the trip (there) . . . I don’t like the casino and for this reason hesitate to take another cruise together. I am enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope for your response. The return address, of course, is (that of) a friend; I wouldn’t want my wife to know that I pursued this.”

We were happy to send him, in care of his friend, a list of American-flag vessels and small expedition ships that do not carry slot machines or blackjack tables.