Regrouping for Return to Dating Pool

“ ‘Re-entry Dating?’ Is that like a spaceship re-entering the atmosphere?” Phil asked about the seminar’s title scrawled across a blackboard in the informal classroom.

“Now I know what people mean when they say they’re ‘burning up inside,’ ” he added, filling the role of class clown.

Phil was one of a dozen participants who showed up last week for the first installment of a dating workshop billed as “a group to help you regroup.” Sponsored by Planned Parenthood of Orange County, the $15-per-class seminar will take place Thursday nights for the next 4 weeks.

Although the seminar is aimed at recently divorced people over age 35, its initial meeting spanned a range of ages--from 27 to 60--and of experiences. Some were, indeed, divorced; some had undergone a traumatic relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend; others were simply bewildered by the 1989 dating phenomenon.

“Our intention was to attract the population who had been out of the singles scene for a number of years,” said Joan Graubart, a marriage and family counselor who leads the workshops.

“We had no idea who would come, but we were pleased by the variety of people.”

A suddenly single 40-year-old who has been married for the last 15 years will find dating today a whole different game than it was in the ‘60s and ‘70s, Graubart said.

“Of course, the fear of AIDS predominates today,” she noted. “Also, dating as a mature adult has always been different from dating while in college. For one thing, it’s harder to meet someone when you’re out of school. That’s the most common complaint I hear: ‘Where do I meet people?’ ”

The ongoing seminar will broach such subjects as “safe sex,” new morality, changing roles in sexual behavior and letting go of past relationships.

Among the most common questions asked her, Graubart said, are: “Is it all right for a woman to ask a man out?” and, “How do you bring up safe sex without ruining the romantic mood?”

Prevention of sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes and acquired immune deficiency syndrome was scheduled for discussion in the first class, which congregated at the Planned Parenthood headquarters in Santa Ana.

However, attendees strayed off course, focusing on more timeless--if less weighty--issues.

Chuck groused that he feels under pressure to spend a lot of money on dates. “I don’t see any purpose in trying to impress a woman by taking her to an expensive restaurant,” he said. “I didn’t create the meal--all I did was open my wallet.

“At some point in dating her, the great places are going to have to slow down. It’s an unrealistic way to impress someone.”

Jolie remarked that she often has difficulty distinguishing married men from single men. “Fifty percent of married men don’t wear wedding rings,” she said. “If you don’t ask them, they don’t tell you. It’s like the old joke: ‘I’m not married, but my wife is.’ ”

The entire group swapped stories about “bad dates”--the kind, as one participant put it, “where within 15 minutes you know it was a mistake, and you wish you could go home and watch TV.”

Also, the idea of a woman asking a man out aroused much comment. “Women may initiate the second date, but they almost never initiate the first date,” Richard said.

Women in the group concurred, although one said that sometimes she will make the first move by giving a man her business card.

“But what you’re saying is, ‘Call me and ask me out,’ ” Chuck argued. “You’re putting the ball in his court.”

A complaint among the women present: Frequently, men will request an acquaintance’s telephone number, then never call.

John, who said he belongs to a few singles clubs, ratted on his fellow man: “Some guys make a game out of seeing how many telephone numbers they can collect at a party: ‘You got seven? Well, I got eight.’ Then they’ll call only one or two out of the bunch.”

By the end of 90 minutes, little had been said about the original purpose of the debut class. “When are we going to talk about sex?” John joked.

Graubart said issues came up that she had not anticipated. “I’m going to let the participants guide the discussions,” she said. “We may have to extend the seminar and add a few topics. Obviously, (the organizers) didn’t think of everything.”

For more information about the Planned Parenthood seminar on “Re-entry Dating,” call (714) 973-1733.