An Offer From New Zealanders

G’Day mate.

I don’t often write to one of these grand American newspapers, so I’m a bit nervous. You’ll have to excuse. But see, me and three other Kiwis down here in New Zealand got to drinking and yarning about you over there, and it turns out how worried we all are that you’re mebbe losing your touch. See, it has to do with being ordinary blokes . . . and sheilas, of course. Now I know there are a lot of you . . . 250 million or so, and it’s easier for us to keep our act together, being only 3 million, but strewth, mate, take a hint from a friend. Now this latest carry on with the America’s Cup--you’re all no doubt wondering how we took it away. Well, we use CTC.

Now, what this means is “cut the crap.” It’s available to anyone, of course, but sadly, you’ll generally find it most used these days by those who aren’t awash in lawyers, high-tech jargon, and television cameras poking up noses every time someone goes for a stroll. Now it seems to me and the guys that America used the last bottle of CTC shortly before Watergate. But don’t despair mate. We’ve got a fair stock of it over here and it’s yours for the asking.

We read the other day how President Bush still had another 600 places to fill for advisers and the like. I mean that really does make you wonder. I bet there won’t be one of them with a bottle of CTC to hand. Can you imagine the self-supporting garbage floating his way?

No really, this is serious--not only for you, but us down here, too. So me and the lads have formed a committee. We are prepared to be non-special advisers to the President and let him have it like it is. No CIAs. No jargon. No Contras. No Senate investigating committees. No slush funds. What do you think? Could you pass this on to the White House?

And if there’s anyone out there inclined to scoff at us little ‘uns with the overview . . . don’t. Remember the America’s Cup.

EDDIE HARRIS

Wellington, New Zealand