To Stay Single, Impose Impossible Standards on Prospective Partners

Picky, picky, picky.

Jayne has noticed a recurring theme among you singles. Some of you are a bit, shall we say, overly discerning. You claim that you want to settle down while you simultaneously dismiss every eligible soul who comes your way.

“After reading Single Life for the past year, I’m beginning to understand why there are so many discontent singles out there,” wrote Jayne, 31, a buyer for a department store in Costa Mesa. “We’re all looking straight past one another for somebody who doesn’t exist.

“We make lists of what exactly it is we want, and if--rather, when--the person doesn’t meet each and every criterion, we don’t even give them a chance. It’s as if we all think we deserve Jessica Lange or Tom Selleck, although maybe we’re not so perfect ourselves.

“I remember a Single Life (column) where a woman said she wouldn’t date a guy with a beard, and a man said he wouldn’t date a woman with cellulite. I mean, come on! How shallow. I think Hollywood, plastic surgery and this whole fitness craze has been detrimental as far as emphasizing the exterior.

“But it goes beyond looks, even. People say they’d never be attracted to someone who voted for Reagan or to someone who didn’t vote for Reagan. Men say they wouldn’t marry a woman who already has kids; women say say they wouldn’t date a man shorter than they are.

“Girlfriends tell me that if a man is 40 and he’s never been married, there must be something wrong with him. But then again, if he has been married and his wife dumped him, there must be something wrong with him. But then again, if he has been married and he dumped his wife, there must be something wrong with him. He can’t win.

“I’m not pretending to be above the fray. It seems the older I get, the pickier I become--the more lists I make of what I do and don’t want based on previous relationships. A good income has become increasingly important to me, as well as the status symbols that go along with money--even though I don’t think of myself as being obsessed with status symbols. And, I have to admit, I prefer men taller than I, not too overweight, nice smile, etc.”

Sound familiar?

“A lot of people create an ideal person in their heads, an illusion,” said Dr. Allen Lawrence, a relationship counselor in Los Alamitos. “They look at all the very best qualities that human beings can have: I want him to be handsome, intelligent, witty, athletic, an attorney. And then they compare every person they meet to that ideal image.

“Even the nicest people don’t make the grade because they’re too short or because they’re a plumber, not a doctor, or whatever. They stick to their ideal rather than re-evaluating their demands. I get women who say, ‘He’s nice, he has a good job, he’s this, he’s that. If only he were 2 inches taller. . . .’ Well, seven out of 10 isn’t bad.” Lawrence’s wife and counseling partner, Lisa Lawrence, added: “We should use our wish lists as a hypothetical to guide us, not as a credo by which to live. No one is 100% our ideal image.”

Tustin psychologist Amy Stark concurred with Jayne’s assertion that Hollywood and the burgeoning popularity of cosmetic surgery have heightened the focus on appearance. “That’s true more in California than anywhere else,” she said. “We have the most plastic surgeons of any state. We’re more conscious of those external things--the car he drives, the position he has, whether he’s good-looking.

“Those become the points of focus, rather than: Is he fun to be with? Do we have some common interests? Is he nice? You’re making the commitment to the person, not his car.”

“Our whole society--movies, advertisements--is set up to glorify appearance,” Allen Lawrence said. “Ads for Club Med only show some kind of hunk or femme fatale, and the illusion is that you’re going to meet someone like that (on a Club Med vacation).

“But the person you meet is Judy, and she’s wearing glasses, and she’s a little on the pudgy side. You want a relationship with someone who’s loving, caring, fun. Judy is all of those things, but she doesn’t fit into the bikini the way the model did.”

Not only do many people harbor unrealistic dreams of their physical ideal, Stark said, they also set their sights on the scriptwriter’s portrayal of love. “They get these romantic ideas of what love is supposed to be like, based on ‘Fantasy Island.’ So they have incredible expectations about how their relationship should go, as well as how the person should look.”

Career women, in particular, suffer the consequences of this rigid outline of demands. “They tend to want someone who is equally or more successful,” Stark said. “They shoot for someone who represents maybe 5% of the population. There aren’t enough men in that category to correspond with the number of women looking for them.”

Stark recommended that women shift their focus away from career in seeking a companion. “He can be an equal in ways outside his profession,” she said. “He can be compassionate and understanding. And he might have more time for you than would a man who is wrapped up in a high-powered profession.”

Finicky folks who cannot be satisfied might try turning a critical eye on themselves. “The more imperfect we feel we are, the more we feel we need someone who is perfect, because another imperfect just leaves us all the more imperfect,” said Allen Lawrence. “An overemphasis on perfection in another person comes from feelings of inadequacy.”

Lawrence does not suggest that people “settle” for less for the sake of marriage. “I would never tell someone to grab the next person remotely close to their illusion,” he said. “However, people who are looking for a long-term relationship should make their illusions more flexible.”