Exxon Spill Fuels Abundance of Crude Humor

Hey, look, it could be worse.

Comedian Jay Leno says that ever since the Exxon Valdez rammed into Alaska’s Prince William Sound, fish sticks come in two styles. Leaded and unleaded.

And you know what Alaskan yuppies are watching? The denizens of Seattle’s Washington Environmental Council say its 10-W-thirtysomething.

You get the idea. In the wake of what is shaping up to be one of the world’s worst environmental disasters, the Exxon humor making the rounds these days is as black as crude.

Exxon Cocktail

Here’s what Rick Counihan, Washington staff member for Rep. Phil Sharp, the Democratic chairman of the House energy and power subcommittee, calls an Exxon cocktail: 10 million gallons on the rocks.

“And you know what the one good thing about the Alaska oil spill is?” asks David Nempzow, aide to Sen. Howard Metzenbaum, chair of the energy regulation and conservation subcommittee. “Tuna with oil is on sale.”

Says Argus Hamilton, a regular on the stages of “The Tonight Show” and the Comedy Store in Los Angeles: The captain of the Valdez has a new job now. He’s Jim Wright’s publicist.

Even Exxon headquarters in New York has come up with this insider tip:

“You know what Exxon executives are drinking these days? Tanqueray on the rocks.”

David Letterman, of course, is doing his bit to be helpful. On a recent “Late Night With David Letterman” he offered 10 new slogans that Exxon might adopt.

“10. We’ve Got Oil to Spare. 9. Exxon Transportation: The Eastern Airlines of the Sea. 8. Anybody Got a Tissue? 7. Breathe a Word of This to Anyone and We’ll Kill You. 6. Keeping Your Children Safe From Blood-Thirsty Marauding Walruses. 5. Now Sardines Automatically Come With Oil. 4. Three Mile Island, Now That Was an Accident. 3. If It Weren’t for Us, American Sea Gulls Would Be Covered With Foreign Oil. 2. Ecosystems, Schmecosystems.”

And the No. 1 slogan: “Hey, You Try Drinking Three or Four Six-packs and Then Steering a Huge Oil Tanker.”

So big deal, says Los Angeles comedian Taylor Negron.

“Everybody’s talking about the Exxon spillage, but nobody’s talking about the studio waste. Did you know that last year, 16 million pounds of ‘Ishtar’ posters washed up on Zuma beach? And the other day I was wading in some shallow water in Santa Monica and I almost got pulled down by some old ‘Hello, Larry’ scripts.”

New York comedian Lewis Black, meantime, finds it incredible that Exxon could hire an alcoholic to drive a multimillion-dollar supertanker.

“This guy was so drunk that he ran into a country .”

Not that we’re all taking the disaster lying down. Leno recently noted on “The Tonight Show” that there have been reports of baby seals clubbing Exxon executives.

Huge Tax Write-Off

Will Durst, a San Francisco comedian and newspaper columnist, adds that Exxon will be getting a huge tax write-off for its clean-up costs, and that gas prices are already going through the roof.

“So we’re going to get it both ways.”

On a more serious note, in the newsroom of radio station KFYI in Phoenix, where talk-show host Bob Mohan urges listeners to fly their American flags upside down to protest the oil spill, wags have noted that Exxon is the sign of the double cross.

“And, you know that the last thing that the Valdez captain said was that he wanted a rum and Coke on the rocks, not run the boat on the rocks.”

Oh well, muses one oil analyst, “at least you can’t accuse Exxon of not running a tight ship.”