Last Word in Words to Live By

SIMON SAYS: --Never marry a man who drinks directly out of the faucet.

--The best artists in the history of America are alive today.

--Every restaurant, no matter how fancy, should have a cheeseburger on the menu.

--Earlobes are the most underrated part of the human body.

--You’re nuts if you pay for traveler’s checks. The companies make enough off you without charging a fee. Check around, you can almost always find them for free.

--You know the name of Charles Lindbergh’s plane. And you probably know the name of the plane that dropped the first atom bomb. But do you know the name of the Wright brothers’ plane?

--Good new idea of the month: Some Marriott hotels now have a full-size iron and ironing board in every room.

--Bad new idea of the month: Milkbone has come out with mint-flavored dog biscuits.

--Anyone who has the word TOY as any part of his license plate should be beaten with sticks.

--I read it someplace so it must be true: If you want to make sure people return your favorite pen, always lend it without the cap.

--Almost all of the people driving four-wheel-drives never get out of two-wheel drive.

--Power leaf blowers should be banned. They are the most unnecessary form of noise pollution currently in existence. (With the possible exception of TV and radio evangelists.)

--I admire anyone who has ever used a soldering iron without fear.

--How come airplanes don’t have horns?

--Recommended reading for May: Marguerite Kelly’s “The Mother’s Almanac II.”

--Why are the most agonizing commercials on TV about replacement windows?

--I wish somebody could tell me whether a suit pocket handkerchief should be fold up or points up. (I also wish somebody could tell me why anyone would wear a suit pocket handkerchief.)

--When you watch reruns of “The Untouchables” you realize what a well-made show it was.

--Do bakeries still have gumball machines with “special” gumballs that entitle you to a free cookie?

--William Holden never made a bad picture. He was good even in “Towering Inferno.”

--Private message to “Confused in Cincinnati”: The last button of your vest should not be buttoned unless it is a tuxedo vest. On the other hand, bowling shirts are rarely worn with vests.

--I am very distressed that Bob Villa is not returning to “This Old House.” If Norm the Carpenter leaves, I’m selling my TV set.

--Now that the North jurors have told us their “reasons” for acquitting Ollie North of some charges and convicting him of others, all I can say is: Huh?

--New office pool: How many days will Oliver North actually spend in jail? (Zero is already sold out.)

--The thing I don’t understand about auto-compasses is what if you want to go north and the road goes east?

--Instead of Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter going down to Panama to monitor that country’s elections, how come they didn’t monitor our last one?

--When is the last time Chevy Chase was funny?

--The “Tour de Trump”? How about the “Trump de Jerk”?

--I’ll bet 99% of the kitchens in America no longer have rolling pins in them.

--Some of the most interesting people in the world can be found behind the counters of live bait shops.

--George Bush wears his watch on his right wrist. I don’t know the significance of this; I just wanted it on the historical record.

--Has anyone ever really noticed any difference (besides price) in various grades of videotape?

--If I announced I discovered cold fusion in the bottom of a martini glass, do you think I could get some national publicity, too?

--I feel like getting an Exxon credit card just so I can cut it up and send it back.