Movie Reviews : ‘Fast Food’ Proves Tough to Swallow

“Fast Food” (citywide) is the cinematic equivalent of a musty soybean burger reheated in the microwave after three days in the freezer followed by three more days in the open sun. That it even got a theatrical release instead of going directly to home-video hell can only speak of the grave need for a movie board of health.

The ad campaign promises (or threatens) “the best burgers and thighs in town,” but even the presence of ex-porn queen Traci Lords in a bit part as a sexy industrial spy doesn’t lead to much in the way of titillation, much less any exposed flesh. A key plot point has to do with a “secret sauce” that contains an aphrodisiac, but needless to say, young eyes won’t be exposed to any of the wild orgies provoked by the stuff in this rather tame PG-13 release.

A more dominant presence in the movie is Jim Varney, playing a nasty burger-chain king named Wrangler Bob. Varney’s gargle-mouthed characterization of a goofy corporate villain is the best thing in the movie, which isn’t saying much; at least his live-action cartoon mannerisms constitute a performance.

Faring less well are young leads Clark Brandon (who co-wrote the script), Tracy Griffith and Randal Patrick, plus considerably older sidekick Michael J. Pollard. These are the four nitwits who, faced with a buyout offer for their gas station from Wrangler Bob, decide to open a fast-food restaurant of their own on the site, to whopping business and the jealous rage of their multimillionaire competitor.

If you can buy the premise here--that the head of a popular restaurant chain with hundreds of links would focus all his energy on buying a little filling station a few miles from a university, which is presumably the only real estate parcel in the Western world where he could conceivably turn a profit--then you might actually enjoy the picture. If so, heaven help you, and your descendants too.

Michael A. Simpson misdirected and co-produced this stale tater-tot of a movie for (ahem) Fries Entertainment, which as a corporate unit would seem seriously overdue for a cholesterol check.