Congress: House of the Rising Cannibals

Did you see Speaker of the House Jim Wright’s emotional farewell address last week?

I sure did, and I thought it was the most convincing performance since Richard Nixon said: “I am not a crook.”

But many of your colleagues were moved! Weren’t you moved?

I was moved to laugh, giggle, guffaw and throw popcorn at the TV screen.

You weren’t convinced?

I was convinced Jim Wright could make a swell career selling ocean-front property in Nebraska.

I am a little confused. What did Wright mean when he accused the House of “mindless cannibalism”?

It means he got caught. It means that after making money hand over fist, he finally got nabbed by the House Ethics Committee, a committee with a majority of Democrats on it, Wright’s own party.

Other congressmen have called this: “insanity,” “Willie Hortonism,” “Chinese water torture” and “throwing hand grenades.” What does that mean?

It means they don’t want to get caught. From all the hollering, you would have thought the Russians had invaded and set up a military tribunal to drive bamboo shoots under the fingernails of congressmen.

In fact, all that is happening is that the House is enforcing its own rules. Period.

So why are so many lawmakers upset?

Because the rules never were supposed to be enforced. They were a scam, designed to fool the simple-minded voters back home. Big shots like Wright knew the rules didn’t have to be taken seriously. And that’s why he did an end run around them.

Like what?

Well, the ethics committee found 69 counts of “like whats.” For instance, there’s a limit on how much outside income a congressman can make from speeches. So why not print up some books, the profits of which are not limited, and say the speeches were really book sales.

Is that a scam?

Well, I’d call it a scam when you print only 19,000 books but end up “selling” 22,000 of them. What would you call it?

A good deal.

For a book with no sex, no pictures and no plot, I’d call it an astonishing deal. But the ethics committee called it a scam. Just like Wright’s wife’s salary.

Wright was real angry about that in his speech.

Sure, he was. He kept sneering at the “$18,000 salary” his wife got from a Texas developer as if $18,000 were too paltry a sum for anyone to finagle. In fact, the average American makes less than that in a year. And the ethics committee called the salary a scam.

But Wright said he ached to tell his side of the story and that the ethics committee refused to let him.

Another example of why I think Wright should be a snake oil salesman and not the Speaker of the House. Wright testified for five hours in front of the ethics committee before he was charged. And after he was charged, he was told he could appear in his own defense. But he refused to do so under oath.

Something seems to happen to these guys once they get to Washington. What is it?

Well, some get rich. And some get caught. Take Tony Coelho, the Democratic whip. He had to resign a few days ago when he got caught in a shady junk bond deal.

I thought Coelho said he was resigning “for the good of the House.”

Translation: “I am about to get caught.” A whole book was written on Coelho’s political philosophy. It was called “Honest Graft.” That gives you some idea of how Coelho operated. Coelho started out all idealistic and starry-eyed. And then he saw the kind of dough you can make on Capitol Hill. He even joked about it. He called his home in Alexandria, a well-to-do suburb of Washington, “the house that honoraria built.”

Well, these people are only human, you know.

And I wish, just once, one of these tub-thumpers would campaign that way. I wish one would adopt as a campaign slogan: “I’m Just Human.” Instead, they tell us they are great Americans, smarter than Einstein, and more honest than Old Abe.

But everybody cheats a little. Everybody cheats on their taxes, for instance.

Not everybody. A lot of people do. And a lot of people get caught. And when they get caught, they catch it in the neck. They get their property confiscated and their businesses ruined and sometimes they go to jail. Tony Coelho resigned and will go on to make a ton of money in private business. Jim Wright got an hour of free national TV to establish himself as an American hero. And, upon his resignation from the House, he will not only get a hefty pension, but an office in his home district, $100,000 a year for a staff and $67,000 in office expenses.

All at taxpayer expense. If this is “mindless cannibalism,” I’d like someone to nibble on me.

Aren’t you being hard on Wright? I mean he did make a very strong case for himself and his wife.

Sure, he did. It’s easy to make a strong case when you are the only one speaking. When there are no questions allowed and no cross-examination. Ollie North looked swell on TV. Until he got on a witness stand and had to be questioned in front of a jury.

Will Wright have to do that?

Naw, he’ll retire and make a mint on speaking fees.

How much do you think he’ll get?

Well, North gets $15,000 per speech. But he’s an actual felon. So Wright may have to settle for less.

What do you think of former House Speaker Tip O’Neill’s recent statement that if these ethical standards continue to be enforced: “You’ll have nothing but the imbecilic sons and daughters of wealthy families who want to send their children to the Congress.”

I think the Kennedy family is going to be real angry.

But doesn’t all this bloodletting have to stop? The Democrats go after John Tower and so the Republicans go after Jim Wright. Then the Democrats go after a Republican. And then Republicans go after a Democrat. If this keeps up, where will it end?

With an honest Congress, I hope. It’s worth a try.