Job Hunting in the Computer Age
John Dough sits down with the circled want ads and begins his job search at the keyboard:
Enter data in dBase Resume Generator. Keyword: stretch-to-fit. Output to follow. ZEN CENTER
BUSINESS DIRECTOR
PERSONAL GOAL: To use businesshead to achieve godhead.
EDUCATION: BA, MA, TM, ATM. Long conversation with Ram Dass in Newark Airport.
PUBLICATIONS: “Book of Blank Pages.” Unpublished personal diary.
“Jungian Analysis of Dan Quayle’s Archetypes.” Cosmic Goof Journal.
“The Goddess in Raisa Gorbachev.” Male Feminist’s Newsletter.
EXPERIENCE: Led a Laugh-Into-Trance workshop, Esalen Institute.
Software engineer, Lotus Position Development Corporation.
Personal guru to Rob Lowe.
Weird things happened to me while off acid.
QUALIFICATIONS: I can hear the sound of silence.
ART GALLERY DIRECTOR
PERSONAL GOAL: To use good taste in selling good taste.
EDUCATION: BA 1975, MA some years later.
PUBLICATIONS: “Toulouse-Lautrec and Me.” Humorous essay, Buffoon Magazine.
“Sexual Fantasies About Helga.” Letter, New York Times.
“Post-Modernist Musings.” Collection of soon-to-be-published haiku (soon as publisher can be found).
EXPERIENCE: I saw London; I saw France.
I bought a Warhol print once.
Manager, Art-by-the-Yard, Southland Mall.
Salesperson, God’s Eye Yarn Shop.
Waiter, Impressionist Bagels, Greenwich Village.
QUALIFICATIONS: Everyone who knows me looks up to me.
STOCK BROKERAGE ADMINISTRATOR
PERSONAL GOAL: To use data to increase dollars.
EDUCATION: BA in Market Psychology.
MBA PUBLICATIONS: “Black Market Opportunities for Youth.” Anonymous pamphlet, Washington High School.
“Time to Buy Is Now.” Letter, Wall Street Journal, Oct. 1, 1987.
“Investing in Bondage.” Article in Whips and Chains Newsletter.
“How to Profit From the Coming Lint Glut.” Unpublished poetry.
EXPERIENCE: Sold shares in own mother, Elm Grove Elementary, 1959.
Market analyst, 7-Eleven Store.
Stock clerk, Ralph’s Market.
Ethics counselor, Drexel Burnham.
Smoked-salmon concession, Salomon Brothers.
QUALIFICATIONS: I have terrific “people skills.” That’s because I have spent my entire career as a person.
SALES MARKETER I, CRAZY JIMMY’S ELECTRONICS
PERSONAL GOALS: To plug in to a growth opportunity.
EDUCATION: BA, MA, AC/DC.
EXPERIENCE: Salesperson of the Year, Crazy Lydia’s House of Quilts.
Sales Manager, Crazy William’s Books.
Bartender, Bloody Mary’s House of Revenge.
Ward clerk, Angel of Bloody Mercy Hospital.
Psych tech, Crazy Sigmund’s Psych Shop.
Organizer, Crazy Vince’s Salesclerks Union.
QUALIFICATIONS: I’m a go-getter from the get-go, with outstanding interpersonal skills. Excellent phone skills and no moral hang-ups.
End output. Add to footer: Now, do I get the job or do my knuckles interface your face?
