Hollywood Rules Inside the Beltway

You know how fan magazines are always identifying stars by their latest or greatest hit as if it’s their middle name? One day you’ll read about how Steve (“E.T.”) Spielberg split up with his wife Amy (“Crossing Delancey” with half the $225 mil) Irving because of his alleged involvement with Kate (“Temple of Doom”) Capshaw. Or when you read about producer Mark (“Rain Man”) Johnson having lunch with Robin (“Dead Poets”) Williams and his bride, Marsha (The Nanny) Garces?

I’ve always wanted to see that format used for other gossip columns. Imagine, if you will, “Washington Dirty Linen” by Ima Slima:

Darlings, guess whom I saw at the bash Barbara (Didn’t Mean to Lose Weight) Bush threw to celebrate Newt (I’m No Reptile) Gingrich’s new book? It was none other than Jim (Mindless Cannibalism) Wright munching on pork tartar with George (Dealing With the Darn China Thing) Bush.

Also there was Lee (Closet Rocker) Atwater talking to Marlin (Keep ‘em Outta Hot Water) Fitzwater. They were overheard talking about Willie (Call Me William) Horton. But not a word about new Speaker Tom (Nothing but a Man) Foley.

A surprise party guest was new Washingtonian Jesse (Over the Rainbow) Jackson, who was seen handing hors d’oeuvres out the window to Mitch (Homeless Honcho) Snyder and Martin (Malibu-boo) Sheen.

While the President was taking everyone for a tour of the Oval Bedroom and saying, “Here’s where Bar keeps her nail clippers,” someone spotted Crystal (Don’t It Make Your Long Hair Short) Gayle talking to Jack (In the Ghetto) Kemp.

Meanwhile, Alan (Indiana Jones and Predictions of Doom) Greenspan was seen schmoozing with Benazir (Honey of Harvard Yard) Bhutto.

Suddenly, the Bushes started passing out bags of popcorn, and John (The Right’s Stuff) Sununu escorted Marilyn (Nothing Stuck in Those Teeth) Quayle into the movie room. Her husband, Dan (I’m Outta Here) Quayle, was on an important mission to Pago Pago, or, as he says, Pogo-Pogo.

Outside the screening room, Jim (The Brains) Baker was sharing a hot dog and speaking to Millie (Like a Bunny) the Dog.

Inside, all eyes were on Kevin (“Bull Durham”) Costner in “Field of Dreams,” although many were dreaming of Susan (Lemon Squeeze) Sarandon. George W. (The Oldest Son) Bush grabbed the candy bag from Neil (The Second Youngest) Bush. Little sister Doro (Looks Like Poppy) LeBlond had to tell them to behave.

Around the chips and dips, Jeb (Columbia’s Old Man) Bush was habla -ing with Arturo (The Contra Kid) Cruz Jr. about his old girlfriend, Fawn (The Coke Fell in the Shredder) Hall.

Out on the lawn, Bill (Drug Guy) Bennett was playing horseshoes with Betty (Drug Free) Ford and bragging about how he could beat Manuel (Drug Strongman) Noriega at his own game.

At the Ping-Pong table, Brent (Who He?) Scowcroft was serving to Lawrence (Tweedle Dee) Eagleburger. After a vigorous series of volleys, Eagleburger hit the ball across the lawn right onto the wristwatch of George (Kiss the Chief) Bush, who was barbecuing burgers.

“Excuse me, Mr. President,” said Eagle (Has Landed) Burger. “But I’m afraid the ball’s in your quartz.”