Time to Take a Few Cuts at Baseball

Can’t we all pitch in a few bucks apiece and rent an office where Bart Giamatti can do his interviews? Why is this poor man always out on the sidewalk? If the commissioner ever ends up giving Pete Rose a hearing, will he be able to hear him over all that traffic?

Is it true that Pete Rose went to see “Batman” and bet $2,000 on the Joker?

Wasn’t this Rose thing the best thing ever to happen to Wade Boggs?

Who is in charge of writing all those puns at ESPN’s “Sportscenter,” and how much would it cost us to have some friend of Paul Janszen’s go over there and break his legs?


Isn’t there somebody--anybody--in San Diego who could force Jack Clark to move closer to the plate so he can reach that round thing when it comes flying across the outside corner?

Do you ever get the feeling that someday the New York Yankees will trade Don Mattingly to the Oakland Athletics for any three players the A’s feel like giving them that day?

What is that black stuff in Lenny Dykstra’s mouth when he bats? Couldn’t he chew something a little less disgusting, like maybe a pine-tar rag?

Does Ray Fosse wonder now if Pete Rose had a bet on that All-Star game?


Did it ever occur to anybody that maybe Joe Jackson bet his shoes?

Is it really true Bo Jackson didn’t want to play baseball in the minors because he couldn’t break aluminum bats over his head?

Having seen Mickey Tettleton, don’t you wonder how fast Ben Johnson might have run in the Olympics if the substance he abused was Froot Loops?

Does Tommy Lasorda have to take Diet Rolaids now? Is it true that he coaches third base more often now because he finally fits into the coaching box?


How often does a guy have to go to Gold’s Gym to end up looking like Pete Rose, anyway?

Couldn’t we speed up the pace of baseball games with a few new rules? For example, whenever Vince Coleman singles or walks, couldn’t we just automatically give him a double?

How fair is it to let this Gregg Olsen kid from Baltimore throw curves that nearly hit the third-base coach on their way to the plate?

Forget Rose, Boggs, Steve Garvey, etc. Wasn’t the weirdest thing of the baseball season that shampoo commercial in which Orel Hershiser says he takes showers four or five times a day? Has any pitcher ever gone to the showers so often? How can any man pitch so well with his fingers all pruney and wrinkled?


Did Pete Rose ever bet on how many showers Hershiser took?

Is it possible that the best baseball development in Toronto was the retractable manager?

After those trades the Phillies made, don’t you figure that Mike Schmidt isn’t the only person in Philadelphia who has been crying?

Sparky Anderson isn’t the only one in Tiger Stadium who’s exhausted. Think of all those poor visiting players who have to keep running around and around the bases.


Did Pete Rose have prior knowledge that the over-under on the condensed version of John Dowd’s report was only 215 pages?

You know, if Nolan Ryan is going to go out there and give up a hit every time he pitches, maybe he ought to think about retiring.

The trouble with the Chicago Cubs, as usual, seems to be those long, hot summer nights.

Do you think when CBS does baseball next season, Pat O’Brien and James Brown will be reporting from behind the dugouts?


What about that coin flip between Kal Daniels and Marge Schott? Wasn’t that gambling?

If dead people were put on the All-Star ballot, how many fans would vote for them?

What if Jose Canseco turns out to be the All-Star game’s MVP? Would anybody dare award this man a car? Could somebody make sure it’s one that won’t go faster than 55?

If Pete Rose says somebody can stop on a dime, does he mean a thousand dollars?


The 1980s are almost over. Isn’t it about time somebody televised a Texas Ranger game?

In April and May, was a Gregg Jefferies trading card worth more than Gregg Jefferies?

Latest reports from the minors indicate that Chris Brown will be sidelined for four to six weeks with hurt feelings.

Isn’t it nice the way people these days are simply referring to “pitcher” Jim Abbott?


The first time somebody told me the Chicago White Sox had a Rosenberg on the mound, I misunderstood. I thought they meant that white powdered bag the pitchers use to dry their hands.

If Pete Rose bet on Montreal or Toronto, did he at least get a decent exchange rate?

Might not baseball further discourage gambling by getting rid of those scoreboard “guess the attendance” contests?

OK, who’s the leading candidate for National League bookie of the year?