Using This Version of New Math, Perfect Season Does Compute

Maybe it’s just that the Padres have the whole community thinking crazy things, but the Chargers are about to open the season with more optimism than they have had since they did their nose dive from the playoffs in 1983.

While Padres fans are talking about a Miracle of Mission Valley, Chargers fans are saying stupid things, such as this team is in position to go 12 and 4.

Ridiculous.

If these Chargers can go 12-4, they might as well go 16-0.

You scoff?

The Diary of a Perfect Season . . .

Sept. 10, at Raiders

Al Davis stubbornly refuses to divulge where the Raiders will be playing their home games this year. Rumors abound that the Raiders are in Inglewood, Irwindale, Walnut Creek, Big Pine, Borrego Springs or Eureka. The Chargers have no idea where to go, though Davis would have told them had Eugene Klein still been the owner.

Pete Rozelle forfeits the game to San Diego.

Sept. 17, Houston

Oiler Coach Jerry Glanville has this propensity for leaving tickets for people who can’t pick them up, such as Elvis Presley. This gives him some publicity and saves him some money. However, this week, he leaves tickets for Junipero Serra, and 2,000 students show up from a Tierrasanta high school.

Down more than $40,000 by the opening kickoff, the distracted Glanville watches as his Oilers are pummeled.

Sept. 24, Kansas City

In honor of the return of former Charger Coach Al Saunders, anyone wearing a tie to the game gets it cut off at the knot.

Meanwhile, Kansas City’s venerable quarterbacks, Steve DeBerg and Ron Jaworski, break curfew at Lawrence Welk Village the night before the game, and the Chargers beat up on the punter who takes their place.

Oct. 1, at Phoenix

Dan Henning shrewdly takes the Chargers to Death Valley for a week of practice to get ready for playing a day game in the Valley of the Sun. What’s more, he brings back quarterback Mark Malone for one game, theorizing he was used to the heat, having played at Arizona State and Pittsburgh.

Naturally, another victory.

Oct. 8, at Denver

The offense has a field day against the Orange Mush defense.

Oct. 16, Seattle

Note the date change. The Padres needed the stadium Sunday afternoon to complete a four-game sweep over Oakland in the World Series, winning 16-2 on grand slams by Jack Clark, Roberto Alomar, Bip Roberts and Tim Flannery.

Twenty-three Seahawks, kept awake by celebrating Padre fans, oversleep and miss the opening kickoff. This one is over in the first quarter.

Oct. 22, New York Giants

Lawrence Taylor rings Jim McMahon’s bell with one second to play, but Billy Joe Tolliver comes off the injured list and bench to make his regular season debut and throws a game-winning touchdown pass to Quinn Early as time runs out.

Oct. 29, at Seattle

Seahawk fans are penalized six timeouts and 520 yards for unsportsmanlike vocal cords, allowing the Chargers to post a lopsided victory even though they are able to run only six offensive plays.

Nov. 5, Philadelphia

Neither Buddy Ryan’s ego nor his defense is a match for Jim McMahon.

Nov. 12, Raiders

The Raiders forfeit again, this time refusing to come to San Diego because the Chargers had not shown up to play them on Sept. 10 in Grizzly Flats.

Nov. 19, at Pittsburgh

Lee Williams, Leslie O’Neal and Burt Grossman can’t contain their laughter at chasing a quarterback named Bubby . . . and the Steelers can’t contain them either.

Nov. 26, at Indianapolis

Rookie Grossman has a tough day. He is the only defensive starter who does not recover a fumble by Eric Dickerson.

Dec. 3, New York Jets

Dana Brinson and Marion Butts overshadow a victory over the Jets with the announcement that they have sold the movie rights to their biographies. After all, they are the first rookies on the same team to rush for more than 1,000 yards.

Dec. 10, at Washington

The Chargers score 35 points in the second quarter en route to a 42-10 victory. Deja Voo Doo, ‘Skins.

Dec. 17, at Kansas City

The Chargers celebrate the announcement that 25 players have been named to the AFC’s Pro Bowl team with their 15th victory.

Dec. 24, Denver

Gary Anderson ends his holdout just in time to do his Christmas shopping. Well rested, he leaps 29-feet, 2 3/4-inches to the winning touchdown.

Now, I suppose, you are wondering what happens in the playoffs. Surely, you are wondering if the Chargers follow the Padres’ example and win it all.

Come now, how prescient do you expect me to be here in the early days of September?

Let’s just play ‘em 16 at a time and then go from there.