MOVIE REVIEW : Vanity Remains Intact in ‘Brats’

“Beverly Hills Brats” (citywide) opens with a montage of that city’s vanity plates, more than apropos since the whole thing has the faint, musty smell of a vanity movie. Leading lady Terry Moore co-produced and conceived the story as a vehicle for herself, and the Sheen clan got plenty of work out of it, between associate producer Janet and father-and-son actors Martin and Ramon.

The result is an utterly vicious and unrelenting satirical attack on the sick values of a horrifyingly shallow and decadent culture. Nah, just kidding. Actually, this is yet another pathetic featherweight spoof made by wealthy film folk for the less-privileged masses in which the underlying message is: Even we filthy rich, spoiled, under-worked, oversexed, exploitative, oppressive capitalists need love too. Dig it.

The plot has lonely, barely post-pubescent Peter Billingsley engineering his own kidnapping, by failed burglar Burt Young, so that his family will finally notice him. But latchkey parents Moore and Sheen fail to even become aware for some time that their son is missing--a realistic scenario that should call up real pathos, but here summons only overengineered sentimentality and cheap yuks.

With clockwork inevitability, both kidnaper and kidnapee find out how the other half lives. Young: “I figured when you had money, everything would be OK, but I guess that ain’t always the case, is it?” Billingsley: “Money can’t buy you love.” Did someone actually write that? (The credits list Linda Silverthorn as the culprit.)

The wealthy milieu provides for a few good early zingers. (One matron emphasizes her preference for Asian servants: “And the nice part is, they don’t expect you to learn their language.”) But come the happy ending, as family members instantly suspend multiple adulteries and criminal activities in the spirit of good cheer, there’s no sense that any real change has occurred. Soul-searching wouldn’t be cute enough for this movie.

The inherent corruption of “Beverly Hills Brats” (MPAA-rated PG-13) makes you wonder whether Sheen’s celebrated social conscience extends to the kinds of pictures he makes.