OK, but How Do You Get These Guys Out?

Newsday excerpted a scouting report on post-World Series endorsements by an advertising agency, Foote, Cone & Belding-San Francisco.

On the Athletics:

Jose Canseco: Ultimate power symbol. Good looking. Not many Latin athletes to compete with. Speaks well, but has nothing to say. Behavior modification needed here.

Rickey Henderson: Unique skills. Good looking. Speaks well. Good style. Presence. ‘A’ material.

Mark McGwire: State-of-the-art “American” for advertisers. Any campaign trading on American imagery could use him. Needs one more transcendent performance like 1988 home run streak to set himself up for life.

Dave Parker: One of those players whose celebrity will always be greater than his ability because of highly developed, camera-ready personality and sheer size.

Dave Stewart: Great talent. Great guy. Good looking but hasn’t translated to media presence yet. Soft voice. Lingering “bad guy” rap.

Dennis Eckersley: Supreme practitioner of an esoteric craft. Interesting personality. Good looking. Speaks well. Relievers don’t last as long, so he needs to score now.

Carney Lansford: One of those players whose celebrity will always trail his abilities. No known personality.

On the Giants:

Will Clark: A craftsman. Does one thing really well--hit. Unfortunate speaking voice coupled with tendency to say unfortunate things. Needs shaping.

Robby Thompson: Mr. Pluck. Not too big a star, but admirable to those who know him best. Will be a favorite of local car dealers until he retires.

Kevin Mitchell: This season’s Ickey Woods. Nice “up from the street” personal story. But the camera doesn’t love him.”

Rick Reuschel: See Dave Parker. Well, he’s got the size anyway. Could benefit from imaginative casting in nonspeaking role.

Matt Williams: Next year’s Mark McGwire.

Brett Butler: See Carney Lansford.

Trivia time: Mike Lansford of the Rams was second in the National Football Conference with 48 point-after-touchdown attempts in 1988. Who had the most?

Playing it straight: Without mentioning Pete Rose, Wayne Gretzky made his position clear on the selling of sports memorabilia after he became the National Hockey League’s leading scorer Sunday night.

“I wore one sweater tonight,” he said. “I wore one helmet. I used one pair of gloves. The only I thing I changed, I used about 15 sticks.

“The two (the record-matcher and the record-breaker) will go to the Hockey Hall of Fame. The other 13 will go to my father. The people who call him for charities, he’ll give them to. I’ll sign them and he’ll auction them off.”

Shifting into gear: J.R. Reid of the Charlotte Hornets had 16 points, nine rebounds and blocked two shots in 44 minutes in his pro debut against the Dallas Mavericks last Thursday night. Maverick center James Donaldson rated Reid’s performance for Alan Goldstein of the Baltimore Sun: “He was swatting shots everywhere, some he had no business blocking. He played very, very hard, much different than in college, when he kind of coasted.”

Trivia answer: Chuck Nelson of the Minnesota Vikings with 49.

Quotebook: Jockey Danny Wright, when asked if he is willing to ride slow Arabian horses in races at Laurel, Md.: “Put me on anything. I’ll ride it.”