SAN DIEGO COUNTY : STAGE REVIEW : Bring On the Chain Saws for a Sickly ‘Solid Oak’

“Solid Oak,” the newest play in town, is, to put it kindly, dead wood.

Bring on the chain saws.

The only question about Robert Mearns’ play at the Gaslamp Quarter’s newly named Elizabeth North Theatre is whether this world premiere is ready for burial, or if it might exhibit some signs of life pruned back to one-act size--the length of all of Mearns’ previous plays.

But even this question is strictly academic--a mere detail for the coroner’s report. There’s no life stirring here now.

The story, ostensibly, is about an old man who wants to give a solid oak table to two brothers as a keepsake, to remind them of his message that “God is within.” One brother, Darryl, says thanks. The other, Sonny, says thanks, but no thanks--he’d rather sell the table in his antique store.

Then they argue about giving, keeping and selling the table, reiterating the same arguments over and over for a numbing 90 minutes, during which audience gazes have a way of surreptitiously stealing to the exit doors.

It’s not even as if you can expect any great revelations at the end. This is a lot like waiting in a line at Disneyland only to find that, just when it’s your turn, they’ve canceled the ride.

The failure of the play has less to do with the production values--always professional at the Gaslamp’s two beautifully appointed theaters--than the choice of script. It’s the latest in a bewildering battery of bombs that have betrayed a curious predilection for plotless, talky tales all year.

Maybe the Gaslamp should have continued extending its one hit this year, “I’m Not Rappaport,” and canceled the rest of the season.

Instead, it has provided months of watching professionals try to play professionally with amateur equipment. It can’t be done.

Could James A. Strait have directed “Solid Oak” any differently? Well, as with the Gaslamp’s “The Melody Sisters,” which he also directed, he could have hurried us through it. If you’re not going to provide anesthetic when you pull teeth, at least you can cut the duration of the pain.

David Whitney Johnson, a talented actor, throws his all into Sonny, pulling out every stop as the angry, sharp-talking salesman who wants something better than his father had. If the play could be resuscitated, he’d be the man to do it. But it can’t be, and he can’t.

Providing earnest support are Kenneth Enright, a veteran of the Chula Vista Free Shakespeare Festival, amiable enough as the simple-minded brother, Darryl, and Gordon Benson, who exudes benevolent dignity as the old man, Sam.

Robert Earl’s set is elegantly simple, from the sumptuous oak table, supported by four carved wooden dragons at center, to the curving oak tree, providing shade behind a spare door frame. Matthew Cubitto’s lighting suggests the delicate shadow of leaves. Only Jeanne Reith’s costume choices are puzzling. Why is Sonny wearing a mechanic’s jumpsuit with his name on it if he runs an antique store?

Next up at the Gaslamp is “Hay Fever” at the Hahn Cosmopolitan, and talky as Noel Coward is, the difference is that Coward provides well-written, witty talk and artistic director Will Simpson is a master at directing such fare.

Next season, too, looks more promising with Alan Ayckbourn, Terrence McNally, Christopher Durang and Hugh Whitemore on the 10th anniversary bill. The Gaslamp needs something meaty to revive the confidence of its audiences in the theater’s ability to deliver good work. One can only hope that these choices will mark a turning point.

Knock on wood.

“SOLID OAK”

By Robert Mearns. Director, James A. Strait. Set, Robert Earl. Lighting, Matthew Cubitto. Costumes, Jeanne Reith. Stage manager, Claudea Jardot. With David Whitney Johnson, Gordon Benson and Kenneth Enright. At 8 p.m. Wednesday-Saturday, with Sunday matinees at 2, through Dec. 16. Tickets are $16-18. At 547 Fourth Ave., San Diego, (619) 234-9583.