Bewitched and Bothered? It May Be Just Infatuation

Think back to the last time you fell in love--the way your heart raced each time the phone rang or the adrenaline rushed when that special person arrived at your front door.

You floated high--on cloud nine, “bewitched, bothered and bewildered.” But, according to David and Sheryl Aronson, a Laguna Niguel couple who specialize in relationship counseling, you were probably smitten, not in love.

He is a clinical psychologist. His wife is a marriage, family and child counselor. They operate Excellence Unlimited, a series of workshops and seminars that seek to prove there is life after infatuation.

“Infatuation is a phenomenon,” she says, “that typically occurs during the first few months of a relationship. During this phase, people tend to exaggerate the positives and screen out the negatives.”

Teen-agers, she says, are the best examples of how infatuation works: “They have the capacity to ‘fall in love’ countless times over a period of weeks or months--they run the gamut of emotion from A to Z.”

He compares these feelings to a frenetic roller coaster ride: “The person goes up, up, up, reaches the top, then begins the descent. At the bottom, they experience a kind of emotional ‘crash,’ followed by disillusionment.”

The Aronsons believe that the euphoric high is triggered by changes in body chemistry.

“Scientific evidence shows that people experience changes in brain chemistry during this phase,” David Aronson says. “Natural endorphin-like narcotics are produced in the brain and cause psychological and physiological changes.”

“Increased energy, ‘butterflies’ in the stomach, sweaty palms, palpitations--all these symptoms are believed to result from these chemical changes,” Sheryl Aronson says. “Fortunately, the effects don’t last forever. If they did, people would be exhausted.”

In all good relationships, he says, people must deal with changing levels of intensity: “Cycles of romance and passion ebb and flow throughout the course of a relationship.”

An experienced or mature individual does not expect infatuation to last forever and looks forward to the next phase, they say. “But an immature, inexperienced or unrealistic person believes that infatuation is what the whole relationship is about--and is deeply disappointed when the ‘high’ begins to wear off,” David Aronson says.

In short-lived relationships, one partner frequently begins to “fall out of love” with the other person. This marks the disillusionment phase.

“One partner removes the rose-colored glasses, replacing them with a magnifying glass,” David Aronson says.

The person then “begins viewing the other person through a distorted focus, examining each flaw,” he says. “In extreme scenarios, those flaws are transmogrified until he or she is convinced the relationship won’t work.”

“When infatuation wears off,” she says, “irritation or annoying traits are bound to surface--that’s when many people start building a case against each other.

“But those traits annoy us because they remind us of similarly negative traits in ourselves. When we live with another imperfect person, we get to face every day that part of ourselves we haven’t fully developed--and that can be painful to look at.”

Both agree that it is unrealistic to deny imperfections in the other person. “People who have difficulty accepting his or her own imperfections frequently have a strong need for their partners to be perfect,” he says.

“And when someone is enraptured by an idealized vision of who they think you are,” she says, “they will choose to see you as perfect. Realistic people understand that nobody is perfect.”

“People need to understand and accept that lasting relationships don’t just magically happen,” David Aronson says. “It isn’t fate that makes them last, it’s effort and communication. In the beginning, conversation flows effortlessly, but it is often more enchanting banter than real communication.”

Blocked communication is the result of men and women being socialized differently. “Women think a relationship is in trouble when there isn’t enough talking,” she says. “Men think a relationship is in trouble when there is too much.”

The Aronsons recommend that each partner compile a wish list for their relationship.

“List all the goals, hopes and desires you have for the relationship--and what you want from the other person,” Sheryl Aronson says. “Then sit down and compare them. See how your individual wants and needs mesh together.”

The Aronsons believe that as individuals gain wisdom and experience, attitudes toward love will change.

“The excitement of infatuation,” he says, “can be replaced by something so much richer--the excitement of creating a mature and enduring relationship based on a shared vision of the future together.”