Will CBS Find Beautiful Ratings in ‘Beast’?

TV or not TV. . . .

BEASTLY DECISION: “Beauty and the Beast” admirers will be glued to their TV sets tonight to see whether CBS has ruined it. This is the retooled return of the series that enthralled many viewers, mainly women, with its romantic tale of a noble, subterranean man-creature (Ron Perlman) and his lady love (Linda Hamilton) in the world above. Alas, it didn’t enthrall enough viewers for CBS. What’s more, the pregnant Hamilton wanted out of the show. So the network yanked the series (to the howls of fans), gave it a face-lift, added action to woo the men out there--and now is bravely ready to show it to the world.

“It’s not a fairy tale anymore,” say the “Beauty and the Beast” ads. Don’t buy that. It’s now a kind of grim fairy tale. Plot lines have been leaked all over the place. The ads even acknowledge, “Everything you’ve heard is true.” So let’s get on with it. The Perlman and Hamilton characters (Vincent and Catherine) have a baby. It’s kidnaped by an evil guy who held Catherine captive for months. Catherine is murdered, but first assures Vincent their child is “beautiful.” A woman investigator is added to the series in a follow-up episode Wednesday, and the show is still called “Beauty and the Beast”--so there you have a clue. You’re on your own now.

As a non-cult “Beauty and the Beast” viewer, we found tonight’s show more of a grabber than before. But what do we know? So we asked a journalist who has written passionately about the series, Nancy Randle, for her thoughts. Well, she doesn’t like the ads about it not being a fairy tale anymore--”it’s a direct insult to fans”--and she thinks tonight’s episode has some hard edges. But she says, “It definitely has potential. The mythological element remains in the search for his child. I thought they did a good job of rescuing the show.” Her suggestion to cultists: “Tape tonight’s show and watch it twice. The second time, I saw a lot of things I like.” Are we fair or what?

MUSCLE: Angela Lansbury really has CBS by the ears. Each year the struggling network asks her to return in “Murder, She Wrote,” she extracts an extra series for her company. To come back this fall, she got a series for herself when “Murder” ends. And last week she got another future series--not to star her--as assurance she’ll be back in “Murder, She Wrote” next fall. Nice lady, but CBS must privately hate being cornered like that.

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING?: Did a double-take at that CBS spot pushing an upcoming NFL game with “the hard-luck Cowboys.” They’re not hard-luck, they’re just lousy.

HOLIDAY CHEER: Swell idea for CBS to schedule a Christmas Day rerun of the 1971 special that inspired “The Waltons.” It’s called “The Homecoming: A Christmas Story” and will air from 3 to 5 p.m. so it won’t interfere with most holiday dinners. The cast includes Patricia Neal, Richard Thomas and Edgar Bergen. Really worth a look.

PRO: Good to see Alan King finally making it in films. Caught him on HBO in “Memories of Me,” and his scene with the casting director was pretty marvelous.

GALLOP POLL: There was this horse show on CBS Saturday, and the announcer said: “If you asked the horses, they’d say these facilities are superior.” Well, only if they were sired by Mr. Ed.

THEATER OF THE ABSURD: The song, “Sit Down, You’re Rocking the Boat,” is from “Guys and Dolls,” and would you believe the NFL is using it in TV spots asking fans to be courteous during games? What is this--tiddlywinks? Silliest, most useless promo in memory.

THE SOURCE: OK, it costs $1,800 ($2,250 after Jan. 1), but “Variety Television Reviews,” edited by Howard H. Prouty, is the ultimate gift for TV buffs. It’s a 15-volume set of 37,000 TV reviews from the trade paper, starting in 1923. Actually, the early pieces were mostly about TV. The first real review came in 1932, a critique of “Broadway on Parade,” with Helen Morgan. It “wasn’t much of a demonstration,” wrote the reviewer, thus setting the tone for generations of TV criticism. Available through Garland Publishing in New York.

BARGAIN: For those with less to spend, try the new book “Love Is All Around: The Making of ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show’ ” (Delta paperback, $9.95).

SLEEPER: Check out “Vietnam Home Videos,” original footage shot by veterans using 8mm cameras. The first two cassettes of the series are narrated by helicopter pilots who shot the film, and they’re strikingly vivid. They’re 30 minutes each and cost $19.99, from Best Film & Video.

GOOD TIMES: Felt a real twinge at the passing of John Payne, a regular in TV reruns of those swell old innocent musicals. Payne. Betty Grable. Jack Oakie. Carmen Miranda. I’d just like to say thanks.

BEING THERE: Sue Ellen to J. R. in “Dallas”: “You’ve already ruined his career. Isn’t that enough?” J. R.: “Hell, no.”

Say good night, Gracie. . . .