Flash: The First Yuppies 7 Years Later

Ever since they burst on the scene in 1983, Dirk Miller and Bree Wellington, the first North American yuppies, have been besieged by the media.

Reporters from People staked out their Bay Gauche condominium. Us magazine planted a spy at Bree’s law firm, Sharkey, Sharkey & Goniff. “A Current Affair” hired famous model Bolsheeda to try to lure Dirk to a Washington hotel room where a hidden camera would record her interview. All this in a futile attempt to answer the musical question: Whither the yuppies?

As the anthropologist who reported the first Dirk and Bree sighting while on a dig at a fern bar, I have remained in touch with them. I’ve watched them go through all the tremendous changes we have seen in the past decade. Writing under the pen name Hope Plotnik, I’ve followed Dirk and Bree through thick and through thin, through Cajun, through Thai, through polenta, and finally right up to the Maalox moment when they succumbed to take-home.

Today, they have granted me this exclusive interview, as I visit them again as part of the in-depth series, “Minimajor Trends for the ‘90s.”

We are seated in the family room of the Miller-Wellington home in the sprawling Quail Glen subdivision. Since the birth of their daughter, Rachel Whoopi, three years ago, the decor in the room has changed from chintz-covered wicker to toy-covered pine. Bree has left her high-powered downtown law firm to work part time out of the suburban mall offices of Ampersand & Glitch. Dirk will not say exactly what he is doing at this time other than that he is involved in a “new start-up.”

Me: Dirk and Bree, everyone wants to know, what’s happening? Que pasa? What’s hot and what’s not?

Bree: Well, for us the biggest change is moving out of the city. You know we just got sick of the whole thing. Homeless people everywhere. Overpriced real estate. Waiting lists at private schools.

Dirk: And don’t forget no parking. Here we can drive to shops, drive to video stores, drive to hiking trails. Yesterday, I found a place right next to the hiking trail.

Me: But what’s happening? What are you into? Where are we going? What are our values? Our beliefs? Our shopping preferences?

Bree: I personally am investing more in health. Facials. Herbal wraps. Exercise equipment. Have you seen my new Nordic Wall Climber?

Dirk: But I think it’s important to point out that we are only investing in products that show some concern for the Earth. What good is a fit body on a dirty planet? Related to this, I am publishing a new book with Jolly Green Giant Press called “50 Simple Things Your Pet Can Do to Save the Earth.”

Me: Is it true that a major new fad is yuppies turning to religion?

Dirk: That is true. We want Rachel Whoopi to learn to Just Do It but also to Just Say No. I’d say our religion is a Drug-Free Eco-Judeo-Christian Pro-Democracy Kind of Thing.

Bree: We’re red, white and blue and green all over.

Me: That’s funny. You don’t look greenish.

Bree: As parents we feel that the schools and television have taken over the job of teaching values, and we think it’s important that we take some responsibility. So I bought Rach a new Nintendo cartridge, “Values: The Game.”

Me: And what are the values you want your child to have?

Dirk: I want her to know that if she doesn’t clean up the planet, nobody else will . . .

Rachel Whoopi: Mommy! Daddy! Come quick. Fajita just went weezer on the new antique hooked rug!

Dirk: Excuse me. Rach, please ask Maria to take care of it and then tell her it’s time to walk the puppy.

Me: We’re talking values here. Can you tell me a few more things you want your child to learn?

Bree: We want her to practice safe sex when she gets older and not behave as irresponsibly as we did when we were in our 20s. Her preschool has an excellent Headstart program.

Dirk: Yes, and we also want her to avoid drugs and not experiment with them like we did when we were younger.

Me: Dirk and Bree, when I first met you, you seemed to be concerned only with your careers and your relationship and your own upward mobility. How has parenthood changed your philosophy of life? What is your message to your child?

Dirk: I think it can be summed up in the old saying: Be nice to the people you meet on the way up.

Bree: Because you may need to step on them again on the way down.