When Baby Makes Three, the Romance Changes : Sexuality: All kinds of complications can interfere with a couple’s relationship after childbirth. Some adjustments may be necessary.
He was a new father, and he found it heartening that Michael and J. J. of “Doonesbury” were having sexual problems.
“It’s not just my problem,” he said. “Apparently it’s a national problem.”
He, like Mike Doonesbury, was feeling deprived. He was ready to resume an active sexual life after the birth of his daughter. His wife, like J. J., had become more interested in sleep than sex.
It’s not just the exhaustion from tending to a baby that can interfere with a couple’s lovemaking. Having a baby can markedly change a person’s perceptions, as a mother of a preschooler recalls:
“I was with this little baby all day, and he was so soft and pink and tiny . . . and then (my husband) would get undressed, and he’d be a big man. . . . It was like a shock.
“I guess for a while I was more interested in the baby and baby things, and I identified more with the baby than I did with other adults. I felt that sex was too big a switch,” she says. “But when I got back to work, things kind of evened out. I felt more like an adult.”
All kinds of complications can interfere. There can be a fear that intercourse will be painful after childbirth. A mother can be so involved with the baby that the father may feel left out and resentful. A woman may feel unattractive; a man may feel that since his wife has become a mother, it’s somehow inappropriate to consider her the sexual partner he once did.
It’s certain that sex will be different.
It helps to realize the changes are normal, says Ava Kordansky, a psychotherapist specializing in marriage and family issues, practicing with Silverman & Associates in West Hartford. “It’s not going to be the same. And it’s not going to be the same for many, many weeks to come,” she says.
The “Doonesbury” scenario is typical, says Ronald Goldstein, a psychologist who teaches courses in human sexuality and who practices at Delaware Valley Psychological Clinic in Morrisville, Pa. “If he feels she’s just not as sexual as she was in the past, and he feels less loved sexually and emotionally because she’s just going through the motions . . . that’s probably going to affect their relationship,” he says.
Couples have to communicate with each other about the issue, Kordansky and Goldstein say. “It’s the old story--if you don’t talk about it, things can get worse and affect other areas of the relationship,” Goldstein says.
Other advice:
* If the mother is the primary caretaker, the father should become involved with baby care. “It gives Mom a break, and Dad feels more included,” Kordansky says. “A woman needs to do something for herself that makes her feel good and gives her some energy.”
* Mothers should give their partners some tender, loving care, she says, perhaps a massage. Dads could bring home small gifts or flowers. Such gestures are important.
Get a sitter as soon as possible on a regular basis. It gives the couple a chance to focus on their own relationship, away from the baby.
* Simplify life. Eat takeout food to avoid cooking at times; use paper plates. You’ll have more time for each other.
* Work on changing your sexual habits. At night, at least one of you is bound to be drained. You might use the baby’s nap time for lovemaking. When a woman is recovering from childbirth, consider ways other than intercourse to relieve sexual tension.
* Go away for a short trip alone, to have time to devote to each other.
Goldstein says a trip can also serve as a test: “If, under the circumstances, the desire did not return, that would be more indicative something was the matter with the relationship.”
Couples should have reached “some sort of common ground” by the time the baby is 6 months to a year old, Kordansky says. If they have not, that might indicate there are other factors troubling the marriage, she says, and a consultation with a therapist would be appropriate.