The Plane Truth Is This Team Has a Decisive Edge in Style

You say your boss wants better work out of you? Hey, all he or she has to do is buy you your own airplane.

We want a boss just like the boss of those lucky Los Angeles Kings, Bruce (the Boss) McNall. Memo to my cheapskate editors: Buy me my own plane, and I will write my little fingers right down to the nubs for you swell people. Make you proud for once to sign my checks.

When Boss Bruce wants better hockey from his skaters, what does he do? Does he nag them? Scold them? Threaten them? Trade them? Send them to bed without their supper?

No, he buys them a jet. He shells out $4.5 million to the Mexican government for some shiny 727-100 jumbo job, with nothing but first-class-sized seats. A real nice ride.

And how do Boss Bruce’s skaters respond? They go out and look the reigning NHL champion Calgary Flames right in the eyes and eliminate them in six games, that’s how they respond.

Can’t say I’m surprised. While the Kings were coming and going in style, all nice and comfy, happy as clams, those poor slobs from Calgary were undoubtedly bouncing from terminal to terminal, flying commercial, eating airline food, trying to catch a few winks while the captain came over the loudspeaker to inform them at the top of his lungs that they were now flying over Yellowstone National Park.

No wonder the Flames never had a chance. They were half-asleep. They had so much jet lag, their goalie probably took naps behind that mask of his.

I have been reading more and more about this airplane of McNall’s. I don’t know if it has a name. I just call it Sky King.

Marty McSorley was quoted the other day as defining Bruce McNall as the ideal owner, due in no small part to this fabulous plane. Luc Robitaille in the very same article raved about the various flavors of Haagen-Daz ice cream available on every flight.

Believe me, this McNall guy knows how to inspire a team. Not with incentive clauses. Not with threats. With Swiss almond vanilla.

In case nobody else has been noticing, the pampered franchises have been winning all the championships lately. That’s why you have to like the Kings’ chances in the Stanley Cup playoffs, which resume here tonight with Game 1 against the poor, tired, plane-less Edmonton Oilers.

The Detroit Pistons went nowhere before their owner sprang for a brand new jet, Roundball One. Next thing anybody knew, the bad-boy Pistons were right there in the nice-guy Lakers’ faces.

Now, I know it is entirely possible that the Pistons, being bad boys, were banned by every commercial airline, thereby forcing them to buy their own craft. Hey, if you ran an airline, would you let Bill Laimbeer on it?

Perhaps you also noticed that when the San Francisco 49ers won another Super Bowl, they wasted little time applauding owner Eddie DeBartolo for making it all possible by pampering them at every level.

“When you get first-class treatment, you deliver first-class performance,” lineman Jim Burt said.

Funny, I used to think that unless you delivered first-class performance, you got economy pay. No more, though. Now I want my own plane, and I want it fast. Something with soft-leather seats, plenty of leg room and flight attendants who feed me.

A plane, boss! A plane!

I feel left out. The Kings made a few seats on Sky King available and flew the hockey reporters from the L.A.-area papers here to Edmonton. They arrived rested and ready for Game 1. They’ll probably write great tonight.

Yours truly, though, had to fly Delta, which wasn’t so bad, because I happen to like Delta. The only problem with Delta is that it keeps advertising, “Delta is ready when you are,” but whenever I fly it, I have to be ready when Delta is.

So, if I write poorly from the King-Oiler playoff games, you can blame McNall or my cheap bosses. I could probably even win one of those Pulitzer things if I had my own airplane.

Actually, the plane has played a prominent role in the McNall-Gretzky era of Los Angeles hockey. When King Wayne was diverted south from the Camelot-like province of Alberta, there was only one flaw in his game. He hated to fly.

Boss Bruce did something about that. He took Gretzky up, up and away. Got him up there on Cloud 99. McNall told his private pilot to work with Wayne, take him up in the smog, show him around. Guy probably reminded Gretzky how long Amtrak took to get from California to Quebec.

Well, Gretzky and the Kings are flying fools now for sure. They slash that ozone layer with the best of them.

We cannot discount what role this might play in whatever playoff success the Kings enjoy. How can you be expected to carry home a Stanley Cup on a commercial airplane when you are allowed only two carry-on items? Damn thing won’t even fit under your seat.