Parents Anonymous Has Endured 20 Years Despite Perception Problems

Parents Anonymous marks its 20th anniversary this year struggling with what could only be called an identity crisis.

Judging by the statistics, there has never been a greater need for the services of the organization, yet its membership is extremely low, especially in Orange County.

The problem certainly hasn’t been caused by any dramatic change in focus during its two-decade existence: the goals are exactly as they were at the time of PA’s founding--to help abusive parents change their ways.

Counting just those cases of child abuse that are reported to officials, there are a minimum of 50,000 Orange County parents not only eligible for membership, but in need of PA’s help.

Current membership, however, is only about a dozen, according to Shirley Lui, executive director of PA of Orange County.

Part of the problem, she admits, could be in the organization’s name, which to most people implies some kind of connection with such loosely knit 12-step groups as Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous.

PA is not loosely structured at all, she says, and is not a 12-step program. Every meeting in any of the group’s 1,200 chapters nationally is directed by a mental health professional. Lui, for example, is a licensed clinical social worker.

That fact creates membership problems, too, says Margaret Ready, the Los Angeles-based executive director of PA of California. Under state law, a professional must report any suspected child abuse.

“We announce that right up front to anyone who attends a meeting,” she says. “If a member tells us they are abusing their child, we must report it.

“We encourage them to report it themselves, and many times they will. The first big step is recognizing their problem and the fact that they have come to us shows they have done that and are receptive to making changes in their lives.”

The denial comes especially, she says, from those members who are referred by the courts (and about half of PA’s national membership comes from the court). “We’ve had people who are in total denial for months and months, who don’t see their treatment of their children as abuse,” she says. “Most times, of course, they were abused as children themselves and have spent a lifetime refusing to face it.”

Denial, says Lui, is the most common defense mechanism of new members. The flip side is to accept the public disgrace and the shame that comes with being branded a child abuser.

“It’s a scary thing to walk in and talk about something you’re so terribly ashamed of,” she says.

“When people come to us, especially if sent by the courts, many times they have already had their children taken away from them. Or they are afraid they are about to lose the children.”

PA’s job is to help the member face the facts as they are, to deal with them and to change how they deal with their children.

“While we’re not a parenting class by any means,” says Lui, “we do spend a lot of time talking about parenting issues.

“And one of the first things each member must do is to make a commitment to nonviolence.”

The role of the professional in the groups is to get such commitments and to “keep them focused on the important issues,” she says, “especially those they would like to avoid, like the abuse of themselves as children.

“And many times it takes quite a while before they develop enough insight so that they can see what their lives were really like as children.

“So, often the first task is to help them work through the pain of their own abuse.”

Parents Anonymous, both Lui and Ready are quick to point out, is not just for parents who abuse their children. “It’s for anyone who loses their cool with their kids,” says Lui, “who lose control, even if it’s only verbally.

“We provide a safe place to come and talk about those problems and, with the help of people just like yourselves, work on solutions.”

While Lui is hoping to start chapters in both North and South County, currently the only PA meetings available in the county are in Santa Ana at the Holy Family Service Center, 1403 S. Main St., Santa Ana, on Tuesday evenings at 6:30.

Lui can be reached at (714) 835-5551. There is also a toll-free number--(800) 352-0386--with 24-hour service. All PA services are free.