Making Friends With Former Lover Takes a Little Time, Effort

The premise of last year’s hit movie “When Harry Met Sally” is that men and women cannot maintain platonic relationships. If you accept that premise you may also believe it impossible to remain friends with someone you once loved. Speaking from my own experience, breaking up and staying friends with a former lover is not only possible, it is often preferable.

We had been living together for two years when Alan and I ended our relationship. We moved out of the rented home we shared and took separate apartments. Our romance was clearly over, but we wanted to stay friends.

We had formed a special bond, almost like family. In many ways, we were each other’s best friend. And we had not only loved each other, we loved each other’s children too. We didn’t want to give that up.

Through trial--and considerable error--we managed to alter the form of our relationship.

Right after the breakup we were both lonely and missed each other. We attempted a few bimonthly trysts. Those didn’t work because each one reminded us of what we once had, leaving us feeling empty, lonely and depressed. We decided it would be less painful to keep in touch by phone until the initial pain diminished. We talked about once a week, keeping each other current about the events in our lives. Sometimes it hurt to hear his news; an upcoming vacation in Maui where we had once stayed together, or being invited to the wedding of mutual friends.

At the time friends urged a clean break, warning that any attempt to stay connected would prove futile. But staying friends felt like the right choice for us and we were determined to see it through. Alan continued to visit my children, taking them and his on occasional outings. His children and mine loved the new arrangement. It made them feel secure to know that they hadn’t been “divorced,” too. In the beginning, I felt awkward, left out. But when I saw how much happiness our children derived from it, I began to feel fortunate. I wondered how many other men would have made the effort. Alan began dating after a couple of months, a blow for me; I hadn’t started dating. I called one or two former boyfriends, but those reunions did little to salve my hurt feelings. Alan was soon seeing someone on a regular basis, a woman he later married. It was during their courtship I realized that in my pursuit of friendship I had been diverted from the natural process of grieving.

Friendship cannot build from a breakup until the love relationship is completely dissolved. Both people must reach a stage of acceptance and work through the pain. Alan had processed his grief, I hadn’t. He was ready to date, I wasn’t.

For my sake, we agreed to stop communicating until I felt ready to accept his new life and rebuild mine. First--in an act worthy of Sarah Bernhardt--I took to my bed, gorged myself on home-delivered Chinese food and cried. It wasn’t long before I grew tired of the self-defeating behavior.

I got active and stayed active. I took a drama class, needlepointed until my fingers were numb, got involved in my children’s school activities, dropped a few pounds and bought some new clothes. Soon I was the old me.

Once the grieving process was complete, a reunion was possible. Alan and I were ready to begin a new phase. From that vantage point we were able to see each other through different eyes and other expectations.

That was 12 years ago and he remains my best male friend.

Breaking up and staying friends can only be accomplished if you love and respect each other and if you have not reached a point of no return, such as physical or extreme verbal abuse.

Friendship cannot flourish where unresolved anger is present. A new friendship can develop when both parties let go of false hope that the relationship can be restored to its former romantic state. It will not work if one person attempts friendship, hoping for a possible reconciliation; that’s manipulation, not friendship.

If you have been edging toward a breakup, chances are communication has already shut down. To break up friendly, set aside a relaxed, stress-free time to talk. Drive to the beach or visit a quiet place. Make a flexible agenda of what you want to say to each other.

Put aside blame and speak from your heart. Acknowledge your partner’s contribution to your life. Tell your partner what you have gained by his or her presence in your life. Offer your support during the transition.

Genuine friendship takes time to develop, but what you end up with may be far better than your relationship was as a couple.