In the Words of Andrew Dice Clay

The real Andrew Dice Clay (not the Diceman) was eager to clear the air on some of the controveries and feuds he’s been involved in over the past year. Here --in his own words--are a few highlights from Calendar’s interviews.

DICE. OK, we’re rolling. Lightin’ a cigarette. I’m ready to be interrogated.

QUESTION. Let’s start with “Saturday Night Live.”

DICE: Let’s make it short and sweet.

Q. A lot of people are saying it was gutsy of Nora Dunn to go: “Hey, I disagree with this character and what this guy is saying. I’m outta here.”

A. No, I think it was stupid. Just a move for her own publicity that backfired. I don’t think it’ll help her acting career. Yeah, people know the name Nora Dunn. So what. . . . All week long, all she did was call me racist. She took my jokes out of context. She even said I promote incest. Oh, yeah, I promote incest! That’s my whole thing. I’m coming out with bumper stickers that say “Sleep with Dad.”

Q. But you do a bit on the new record. The dad and the two daughters.

A. The dad, the two daughters and the mother. And even from the album, you could hear ‘em laughing because if they didn’t start laughing when I started pickin’ on ‘em, I would have moved to somebody else.

Q. It’s hard to keep track of your many feuds. What’s the problem with David Letterman?

A. The only comics I’ve ever seen on his show are either his buddies or guys that aren’t ready for the Letterman show. Guys that are beginners. I got a lot of friends in this city that are excellent comedians who can’t get on the show because Letterman doesn’t want anybody to be that funny. He’s just a weak person. When a guy sits a foot higher than his guests, that’s weak. It’s not right.

Q. What about the bad blood between you and Sam Kinison? He says you stole his act.

A. That’s impossible. Sam has a black heart. I’m a character on-stage. I’m something different off-stage. Sam is just a horrible person. When his career first took off, it was fine. But when I started making it, he couldn’t take it. He actually said he hopes I die of stomach cancer from the inside out, like Bette Davis.

Q. Don’t you say rougher stuff than that on stage?

A. I’ll never forget the day after I sold out the Amphitheater, he pulls up to me and he says, “So, how’d it go?” And I said “Great.” And he says, “Welcome to show business.” It was a great moment. But two days later he’s on the Howard Stern Show in New York rippin’ me to pieces. He’s calling me Andrew Jew Silverstein. And I’m thinking, “Why don’t you say it to me. Say it right to my face.” Because I’d knock the (expletive) out of him.

Q. What about you and drugs? And booze?

A. I smoked pot for awhile, when I was going through my divorce thing. It was getting me crazy. But after a few months, smoking pot just drove me nuts. So one night I just stopped. I said “What am I doing?” I didn’t want to destroy my life. I’d been in comedy clubs for over 11 years and I never drank or used coke. I used to sit in my house, while certain comics would come up and there’d be piles of coke--a foot high--on my table. I just didn’t do it, that’s all. If you want to talk about what’s ruining America, it’s not my foul language. It’s drugs.

Q. Did you really say you didn’t think there were any funny women comedians?

A. No, there are women comics I think are funny. But it’s a good subject for Dice to pick upon, if you know what I mean.

Q. That’s just the character “Dice” saying it?

A. Yeah. I think Marsha Warfield is hilarious. Rosanne Barr is hilarious. I’m friends with her and I dig her. I even think Elaine Boozler, who can’t bad-mouth me enough, is funny.

Q. Is Andrew Clay a liberated guy?

A. I don’t know what you mean by liberated. Give me some examples.

Q. OK, it’s Saturday night. Your girlfriend wants to see “Driving Miss Daisy.” You want to see “Die Hard.” What happens?

A. We switch off. Sometimes I’ll see the movie I want. Sometimes she’ll see what she wants. Usually we want to see the same one, ‘cause Trini’s a chick that likes action movies.

Q. Are you faithful to her?

A. Definitely. You won’t hear no stories about me. I’m not promiscuous. No. When I play places like Las Vegas, where there are a lot of those budding starlet types, (my guys) know the rule--no girls backstage.

Q: What happened when your parents first saw your act, with all the obscenities?

A: My father got right into it. He knew it was different right off the bat. I had him come with me to Dangerfield’s one night when I started doing this Dice thing. I’d been calling him saying “Dad, I think I got it.” So he came to Dangerfield’s and he watched me and he’d never heard me curse on stage. But he saw it worked.

Q: And what about your mom?

A: Well my mother curses. But it was a little more shock to her. But she got used to it. And she laughs at a lot of the jokes. She’ll tell me if she don’t like something. She ain’t afraid of me. She’ll be the first one to smack me if I get out of line.

Q: You’re not only banned for life from MTV, but from Ben Frank’s too. What happened?

A: Five years ago, Mitzi Shore told me because I’m dirty, she’s gotta put me on late ‘cause nobody wants to follow me. I had to wait and go on for 10 drunks. So I’m with this agent at Ben Frank’s at 3 a.m. and I told him I could get a crowd anywhere. So I got up and I destroyed ‘em. Pimps. Hookers. Actors, actresses, comics. Whoever was there. And the manager called the cops. . . . Cut to five years later. Now Andrew Dice Clay has become the hottest comic in the country--which I love saying. So I go in there and the manager calls the cops again. And I’m stupid enough to wait there. And the police come, push me against the car, frisk me and before I know it I’m arrested and going to jail. And on the way one cop turns around and goes, ‘You’re Andrew Dice Clay, aren’t you?’ And he’s a fan!