Dick Nixon Gives Dick Tracy a Run for Your Money

O ne Napoleon. One Washington. One Me.

--Big Boy Caprice, alias Al Pacino

And one Dick.

No, not Tracy . Nixon. Dick Nixon . This summer’s other extravaganza.

Come to think of it, Dick Tracy, the movie, and Dick Nixon, the phenomenon, are running about even in hyperbolic hype.

Here’s Hugh Hewitt, executive director of the Richard Nixon Library and Birthplace Foundation, on the July 20 opening:

“A truly historic occasion, not only for Orange County and Southern California in general, but for the nation.”

A few minutes later: “A truly unique event without parallel.”

After a couple of deep breaths: “A facility without parallel.”

Winding down a bit: “A lively and exciting place.”

Now here’s Madonna: “Dick Tracy is my life. You can take that any way you want to take it.”

Not bad. Got a comeback, Hugh?

“No president fascinates more than Richard Nixon,” he says.

Ain’t it the truth, Hugh. Ain’t it the truth. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Chester Alan Arthur. Bor-ing .

And even Dick Tracy’s got nothing on Dick Nixon in the fascination department. Warren Beatty, who cares? He’s an aging actor/producer/political insider with jowls.

Hmmm, yes. You’re right. One can see the similarities. . . .

Still, if you want to see an even closer resemblance, check out Lips Manlis in the movie. Lips, unfortunately, bites it early on. And despite what he said lo those many years ago, we’re still kicking around Dick Nixon.

But, hey, let’s be fair about this thing. Who says the Dick Nixon camp is going to be outdone by those Hollywood types? After all, there’s still an entire month to gear up for the premiere of the show in Yorba Linda. You know what that means, don’t you?

Yes! Even more hard-hitting exposes of what the admission-paying public can expect at the library and birthplace (ample parking, a state-of-the-art theater, Elvis Presley’s gift of a set of pistols, a 1949 Ford Mercury “Woody” and much, much more).

Trust me on this, folks. Journalism is my life.

Truth be told, I’m no better than the rest of them. I did go on the official press tour the other day, and even though it was essentially a look at an empty building with a few posters on the wall, I still managed to discover new and fascinating tidbits about the Nixon legacy.

Like the Richard Nixon tie, for example.

This was sported quite elegantly by Brett Holmes, a marketing and public relations consultant for the foundation. In 100% maroon silk, this distinctive addition to the well-dressed male’s wardrobe features the initials R.N. everywhere .

Brett says his “prototype tie”--not to be confused with another “USC-type maroon” tie that will also be available--is one of four Nixon ties planned for sale at the convenient on-site gift shop ($29.95, plus tax).

(Of course, if ties weren’t exactly what you had in mind, I’d think again. When’s the last time you saw Dick Nixon without one?)

Also for sale will be Nixon golf balls, tote bags, highball glasses, T-shirts, sweat shirts, baseball caps, golf caps, key chains, coffee mugs, a wood carving of the federal eagle and a limited-edition Parker pen with the library seal in brass and Dick Nixon’s signature.

Like everything for sale at the library, Brett says all of the above have been personally approved by the former president himself.

“As you know, the Parker name is synonymous with quality,” Brett adds. Then he pauses.

“ Everything we do will be synonymous with quality.”

There you go, Brett!

Understand that there is certainly nothing wrong with any of this. In my book, “synonymous with quality” beats schlock-with-absolutely-no-resale-value any old time.

Of course--and I just hate to point this out--the Dick Tracy folks seem to be ahead in this department. They’re already out with the distinctive canary-yellow trench coat ($130 for the cheapo and $375 for one more synonymous with quality) and Madonna’s show-stopping femme fatale gowns ($76 to $180).

And what will be available for the ladies at Dick Nixon’s knickknack shop? The same ho-hum scarf--imprinted with the signatures of several presidents (including Democrats)--sold at all the presidential libraries.

Dumb, Dick. Dumb.

Or, in the words of Big Boy Caprice to Tracy: “You dumb Dick!”

You see how confusing this all is? Dick Nixon, Dick Tracy. These days, one summer excess is virtually indistinguishable from the next.

Try taking this quiz. Which Dick said what?

1) The enemy of my enemy is my enemy.

2) I am not a crook.

3) I’ve got to figure a way out of here, Pat.

Answers: 1) Tracy 2) Nixon 3) Tracy, but probably Nixon too.