He Went Thataway

Someday, if it works out, every car in California will be equipped with an on-board computer and a small screen mounted on the dashboard to tell you where you’re going and how tough it is to get there.

You’ll program a destination into the computer, a map will appear on the screen and you’ll follow the path of a blinking arrow, which is you, to a blinking star, which is your destination.

That’s an oversimplification, of course, but that’s my job, to oversimplify.

Caltrans is experimenting with such a system at this very moment, and after having spent an hour or so in one of the agency’s so-called Smart Cars, I can say quite honestly it’ll never work for me.

No. 1, I don’t relate well to computers, and No. 2, I can’t read maps.

A disquieting example of the former came not minutes ago when I attempted to sign on to our downtown computer from home.

When I made the connection, this message flashed on my screen: “What do you want?”

I pushed my Function-1 key. It is supposed to furnish the master computer with my name and password, at which point the screen should say, “Well, if it isn’t MARTINEZ.” That’s about as cheerful as it ever gets.

This time it didn’t. This time it said, “What do you want?” again. I pushed F-1 a second time. It said, “What do you want?” and then “PLEASE SIGN ON” and “What do you want?” and “PLEASE SIGN ON” about 30 times in a row until I was screaming and swearing.

I may have to hand-deliver this column if, at the end, my computer doesn’t recognize me and welcome me aboard. Meanwhile, what I want is to get on with the story.

Two Caltrans experts accompanied me in the Smart Car, which is to say a car equipped with Pathfinder, the aforementioned system.

The point of it, as Steve Leung and Goro Endo explained, is not only to get where you’re going, but to do so as efficiently as possible.

Symbols on the map-screen indicate how congested the route is, thus allowing the driver to consider other options, such as not going anywhere at all or moving to Temecula, where there is no congestion.

The symbols are augmented by voice messages. While lacking the capacity of KNX traffic reporter Bill Keene to report in puns or doggerel, they will tell you whether or not the Santa Monica Freeway is passable.

My interest in Pathfinder has less to do with congestion than destination, since I have spent most of my adult life unsure of how to get where I’m going.

I usually get there, because God watches over ex-Catholics, but it is difficult to explain to my wife why it took 14 hours to drive home from an interview in Benedict Canyon.

There are roughly 11 million vehicle trips made each weekday on L.A.’s freeways, and I have come to accept a certain amount of congestion.

I don’t need an on-board computer to tell me there’s a truck on the road/that has spilled a load/which is bound to goad, to paraphrase Bill Keene.

I frankly prefer Keene to a digitalized voice, though, so help me God, if he says “the malady lingers on” one more time I’m going to hunt him down.

I took the wheel of a Smart Car with trepidation. I have a tendency to drive by instinct and not by conscious effort, unless there’s a baby in the car, at which time I drive more carefully.

I decided to look upon Leung and Endo as Caltrans babies, thus assuring them a degree of safety not offered most of my passengers.

My first effort to program a destination into the computer went awry. I wanted to get to Beach Avenue in Culver City, but the computer kept insisting it was in Bellflower.

There’s not a hell of a lot of difference between Culver City and Bellflower, except for the size and number of plastic ducks on their lawns, but I wanted what I wanted.

Leung suggested maybe there was no Beach Avenue in Culver City, but I happen to know there is. However, I programmed in the address of Caltrans instead and it worked just fine.

The blinking arrow mounted the blinking star at the appropriate junction in a kind of electronic connubial union, and that was that.

I was occasionally bothered by the necessity of having to glance at the screen to get my bearings, but was assured it would become as familiar as operating a car radio, and no more distracting.

Well, I’m not sure about that. I do, however, understand the necessity of doing something to facilitate the flow of traffic in L.A. If we don’t, future generations will be restricted to their own neighborhoods from birth to death. Even through teen-age? Even then. Even in Bellflower? Even there.

I’m hoping the Caltrans computer will work better than mine, although there is cause for hope here, too. I just tried to connect to downtown again and my screen said, “Well, if it isn’t . . .”

So far, so good.