Life After the Celebrity Hogs--What’s Left?

Old Blue Thumbs is back! Yes, Frank Sinatra, a man we know from his music, is now the Chairman of the Drawing Board. He is about to issue his first book on his paintings, “A Man and His Art.”

I say it’s time to put a halt to celebrities hogging everything. What chance does the ordinary Joe Picasso have against a Francis Albert? Let me put it another way. If given a choice of “Still Life With Meatball” by Sinatra and “Still Life With Matzo Ball” by Kahn, which do you think is the better investment?

When Kirk Douglas decides to hang up the horny psychopath act he’s perfected on the screen, what does he do? Writing the bio is no longer enough for celebrities. Now Douglas is a novelist. He’s coming soon to a bookstore near my house! That’s right--the distinguished reading series now includes Maxine Hong Kingston, Gore Vidal and Kirk Douglas.

It’s not just that celebrities are getting into art. They’re everywhere. Restaurants, perfume, jeans, even lemonade. When some “B” actress can no longer get a series, does she quietly go back to school and get a degree as you and I have to keep doing? No, she either does an exercise video or gets a contract endorsing a line of sportswear for K mart.

This is clearly unfair use of power. I think a deal should be cut immediately. We get art, and the celebrities get exercise videos.

If celebrities insist on using their fame to hog every other enterprise besides the one that made them famous, they make it impossible for the ordinary citizen to compete. They have unlimited access to newspapers. If they are big, they get magazine covers. If they are willing to humiliate themselves, they will go on “Geraldo” to talk about sleeping with congressmen and producing a new line of workout wear.

Consider what will happen to Domino’s when Warren Beatty decides to branch out into pizza. Imagine what will happen to dentists when Tom Cruise opens his chain of drive-through teeth-cleaning joints.

I know these people would give some of their profits to charities. Then they get to flex their fiscal muscles, massage their massive egos and work out their kind hearts all at once. But they need to remember that what may be a lark to a celebrity is bread on the table for a real person. Who will buy lemonade from the kids on the corner--let alone salad dressing--if Newman’s Own is on every supermarket shelf?

What if Sinatra does his art using Sinatra-brand pasta sauce thrown on Sinatra record albums? All the copycat abstract Expressionists out there would be dragged into court by Sinatra’s high-paid legal team.

I have sympathy for Mr. Sinatra. I understand that 50 years on the road is not the easiest life. I can imagine a world in which one more “New Yawk! New Yawk!” would drive a man to the Kevorkian III.

I understand that Frank’s not the kind of guy to spend his golden years kicking back and fishing. He’s an active, feeling kind of guy. He’s still in touch with his legendary anger. But isn’t he rich enough to hire people so he can just sit around the house and scream at someone all day?

That would be a fine outlet for Frank and a whole lot fairer to all the young artists trying to get a break. Not everyone has a fairy godfather to call on when they’re getting started.

And Kirk Douglas, think of what you’re doing to all those crazy women writing novels in cabins in Maine. Who will publish the frustrated unknowns if the frustrated knowns can guarantee the bottom line?

Celebrities are sought after in every enterprise because their names can make money. When art is only about money, only money will be art.