Domestic Issues : Men Help More at Home, but It’s Still Women’s Work

Men talk about it. Women do it.

Housework: It may rank up there with sex and money as one of the most divisive issues in relationships between men and women.

Chances are most women--whether they are traditional stay-at-home types or hard-driving executives--have a few complaints about the division of labor at home.

And although studies show that men are doing far more than their fathers ever did--as much as a third of the housework--women still shoulder most of the responsibility for keeping the home clean.

More than 100 readers responded to the Baltimore Sun’s recent readers’ poll asking who does the housework. Of these, a handful of men claimed to be “Mr. Clean” around the house, a dozen couples responded with their housework stories and a few singles complained about having no help.

But the vast majority of letters came from women, either detailing elaborate arrangements for sharing the dirty work or telling us how they do it all alone.

Barbara Porter, 39, a mother of three, sent a simple response to the question, “Who does the work around your house?”

“I do!” she scrawled on a sheet of red paper.

The survey--although unscientific--nonetheless brought responses that mirror those of major national surveys. They corresponded with the findings of Arlie Hochschild, author of “The Second Shift,” a 1989 book that says women work one shift at the office, then a second one at home. If you add up the time women spend each week on household jobs, it would total 15 hours more than men, Hochschild concluded.

In her eight-year study of 52 couples, the professor at the UC Berkeley found this breakdown: 20% of men share housework equally with their partners; 70% do less than half but more than a third, and 10% do less than a third.

This unequal division of labor, Hochschild found, leads to resentments, bitterness and sometimes even failed marriages.

The letters to The Sun came from a cross-section of couples, including pairs in which both partners work and those where one stays at home. A few couples wrote that they hire cleaners, but the majority do their own housekeeping.

Generally, the older the woman and the longer the duration of the marriage, the more likely it is that the woman handles most of the work, although a few women noted that their husbands became more likely to help out after retiring.

A few of the younger married couples said they had strived for more equitable divisions of chores but discovered it wasn’t always practical. According to Hochschild and other researchers, household jobs still tend to be divided up by stereotypical gender roles. Women usually do the routine tasks inside the home--cleaning and cooking and laundry--while men do the maintenance inside and outside the house, including lawn care and car repairs.

“There are still traditional tasks that defy change,” wrote Carolyn Williams, 32, a data processing training manager. “My husband won’t sew on a button and I don’t get near the garbage.”

Sociologist Janet Hunt describes the difference in terms of perception. “Men do the more visible things,” said the University of Maryland, College Park sociologist. “For instance, they like to cook when company comes, but not daily. . . . Women tend to do more of the invisible things.”

Despite the continued inequality, men are doing more at home than before. A December, 1989, survey by Men’s Health magazine found that men now do three hours of housework per week compared to 1.1 hours per week in the 1960s. But to many women, it still isn’t enough. And so begins an escalating pattern of anger and resentment.

“If you’re a woman married to a man who’s doing more work around the house than his father did, he thinks you’ve got a great deal, so why are you complaining?” said Geoffrey Greif, associate professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work. But “the wife resents the fact he’s doing more but still not all the work she is.”

Yet, there are some families where the work is shared easily.

At the Dorman residence they try to keep a sense of humor about housework. Everyone has assigned tasks, plus they follow a simple rule: “You mess it, you clean it.”

Erika, 15, does her own laundry, sweeps the floors and vacuums the steps. Stephanie, 11, must vacuum the communal areas, collect trash and dust the furniture. Darlene Dorman, a credit manager, explained her role: “I take care of our bedroom while my husband, Wayne, takes care of the family room, which is where he spends most of his time anyway, in the ‘prone’ position, i.e. asleep on the sofa, TV on, remote clenched in hand.”

Dorman, a letter carrier, does not dispute that version. “My wife does most of the work around the house,” he admitted. “I only do about 10% of the work.”

“Our house isn’t spotless,” Darlene Dorman said. “It would never make House & Garden, but we are comfortable and happy and this arrangement works for us.”

At the Smero home everyone keeps to a tight schedule. Michael Smero leaves early every morning for his job as a steelworker, while his wife Wendy prepares their son for day care. She works at her family’s bridal shop six or seven days a week, often until 10 p.m., so he picks up their son from day care, then shops, cooks, cleans and does laundry.

Wendy Smero praised her husband. “Not many men would do this,” she said, estimating that Smero takes care of 75% of the household chores. “He’s a clean fanatic. When I come home, and I’m tired and dropping clothes on the floor, he’s right behind me, picking everything up.”

Smero explained: “Sometimes I catch myself complaining about the volume of housework that I do. Who doesn’t? But I know that eventually, we’ll reap the benefits of my wife’s business if it continues growing at the rate it is.”