Same Ram Schedule: They Play Tourists

The Rams can’t get to the Super Bowl but they can get to East Berlin by climbing through a hole in the Berlin Wall. Five of them did it Sunday, proving once again that anything in this world is possible as long as Joe Montana doesn’t play for the other side.

Of course, by the time the Rams got there, it was more Berlin mall than Berlin Wall. “I wish we would’ve gotten over here earlier,” said offensive tackle Irv Pankey as he surveyed the swap meet that has set up shop outside Brandenburg Gate. Much has happened during the nine months after the liberation of Berlin--most of it good if you own a piece of the rock and are looking to turn a profit.

Want a chunk of the wall? Five deutschemarks (about $3) will get you a plastic bag of graffiti-splattered stones, complete with certificate of authenticity. A palm-sized slab goes for two deutschemarks. And for three, you can rent a hammer and a chisel and take matters into your own hands.

Since the Soviet guards who once patrolled the wall are now retired, their uniforms are up for sale. Spread atop folding tables as far as the eye can see are helmets, officers’ caps, khaki shirts, medals, pins, coats and trousers--an altogether different type of radical chic.

Or, if you’re more interested in something suitable for framing, a vendor will gladly show you something black and white and once read all over the zonal border--signs that scream, with a foreboding air:

Sperrgebeit!

HALT!

The irony behind this curtain is palpable. After 30 years, the Western world’s darkest symbol of Communist repression has been trampled underfoot by capitalistic fervor, where, if you wish to share a piece of history, it’s going to cost you.

The death trap has become a tourist trap. Maybe you call it progress.

Several Rams went along for the ride within hours of the team plane’s landing at Tegel Airport. The Rams are here for an exhibition game with the Kansas City Chiefs, but more than that, they are seeking their place in the sun. London in 1988. Tokyo in 1989. Berlin in 1990. Searching for some kind of identity, and knowing that America’s Team has already been taken, Georgia Frontiere has the Rams committed to going global.

As the Lewis and Clark of the NFL’s world-conquest program--Lawrence Taylor uber alles --the Rams know the value of a photo opportunity. So Sunday afternoon, five players were rustled together and quickly shuttled off to the wall, with a couple of brief stops in front of the cameras along the way.

First up, Kaiser Wilhelm Church, a landmark in the middle of the financial district in West Berlin. This church, shelled during World War II, stands today as it did 45 years ago in memory of the bloodshed. The players posed in front of it and next to Berlin , a twisting metallic abstract sculpture that is supposed to symbolize the relationship between East and West Berlin.

Art critic Pankey’s analysis?

“Some silver stuff in the middle of the street.”

Next, the bus weaved its way to Brandenburg Gate and a glimpse at the last few remnants of the wall. You can buy more than you can see and the hawkers hit everyone in the Rams’ party, some more than others.

Pankey decided he had to have a Russian hat, fur-lined and fur-covered, ideal for days such as Sunday--pushing 90 degrees and panting amid the humidity.

“Amigo!” Pankey shouted at an astonished salesman. “How much for one of those?”

Thirty-five marks, he was told.

Pankey pulled off the white baseball cap he was wearing, complete with sharp NFL logo. “I’ll trade you this for that,” Pankey proposed.

The vendor shook his head. “Is worth one mark,” he replied, frowning at Pankey’s headgear.

So Pankey shelled out the 35 marks and grinned beneath the black fur for the photographers until he walked a few yards and saw the same hats selling at another booth for 15 marks.

Silly American.

By the time he reached the wall, Pankey was determined to get his money’s worth. He rented one of the hammer-and-chisel kits and went off to stalk the cement.

“Got to get a good spot,” he said. “I’m going to be upset if I don’t get a good piece of this wall.”

Pankey got more than one. He wanted his twin infant sons, Keith and Kevin, to have something besides pine cones and lizards by the time they reach show-and-tell age. Then he passed the hammer to his teammates. Fullback Robert Delpino took a few whacks. Kicker Mike Lansford and guard Duval Love pounded away as well.

The graffiti is striking and it is telling. There are many references to Pink Floyd, the rock group whose concept album, “The Wall,” was the inspiration for last month’s German Woodstock, which brought a crowd of 300,000 to the real wall for a live performance of the music. There are lyrics from the Sex Pistols’ “Holiday In the Sun”: “Now there’s a reason to be waiting at the Berlin Wall.”

Since it was built, Berliners had been waiting for this wall to crumble.

Now, there are holes in the cement big enough to drive a lineman through. Pankey completed the journey, stepping from west to east, and someone asked him if the wall takes on a new meaning when viewed from the other side.

“The wall’s down,” Pankey answered. “That’s the best meaning.”

A few minutes later, the Rams were summoned back to the bus and headed back to the team hotel, where beds and treatment for severe jet-lag awaited. Pankey looked beat, and he’d been taken at least once, but he figured there are worse PR gigs than this.

“That was a kick in the butt,” Pankey said with a grin. “I think I scared the hell out of some of the people there. A lot of people just turned around and looked at me and kept looking up. They had to catch themselves. It was a new experience, I guess.”

A 6-foot-5, 280-pound professional football player in Germany. A newly dismantled Berlin Wall. The sightings are for real, even if they do take some time to sink in.