Best Bets

“What is this?” the Formidable Companion demanded to know. We looked up from our hammock to see what looked like the words writhing sex written down on a piece of paper. That’s not all. The hastily scribbled entry was right next to the name Barbara Osborne, and the whole seemingly tawdry evidence was complete with a phone number. The piece of paper had fallen out of our shirt pocket. We stood accused. The doghouse awaited us, if we were lucky.

A dog’s life. It wouldn’t be that bad. We had plans to sniff around the Labor Day Dog Happening being held Sunday and Monday at 401 Ocean Front Walk, Venice. Prizes will be awarded to the smallest, biggest, smartest and loudest dogs. Registration is 10 a.m. to noon. For information, call 399-7818. All we needed was a name for our new life. We settled on Bruiser.

There would be some sacrifices, however. Like sex. The Formidable Companion would see to it that we were fixed and put on an extremely short leash. We would have to get used to dry kibble. Our bathroom habits would be public. Pretty humiliating.

The Formidable Companion was looking at us as if we just soiled the carpet. “I’m waiting,” she said. “Who is she?” We were cool. Our conscience was clear. “Merely shorthand,” we told her, and spilled the facts. Osborne will teach an eight-week workshop on writing about sex at Beyond Baroque, 681 Venice Blvd., at 8 p.m. Wednesdays. The fee is $65. For information, call (213) 822-3006. “And the last time we looked,” we said, “bad penmanship wasn’t a crime.” She opened her mouth to say something but thought better of it. We were top dog once again.