MAKING IT WORK : Ways to Improve on a Troubled Relationship With Your Father

If your relationship with your father is distant and you yearn to be closer, stop dwelling on what could have been, advises Irvine psychologist Jane Myers Drew. To make peace in a troubled relationship and move on, she recommends:

* Acknowledge the ways in which you feel you have been hurt or deprived.

* Get past these negatives by expressing your feelings either indirectly or by talking or writing to your father if you feel ready to confront him.

* Accept your father as he is.

* Rework your relationship with him, which may mean spending more time together or, if he is abusive, less.

* Forgive him for hurting you, and forgive yourself if you are feeling guilty.

* Give back to him in some way that makes you feel good.

* Look for the positive in him.

* Respect him for doing his best.