The Meek Have Inherited the Turf in College Football

Well, that “Bottom Ten” thing ought to be a riot this week.

Trouble is, how will we be able to tell it from the Top Ten?

One’s as hilarious as the other.

College football has never been funnier. The ratings are downside-up. Virginia is No. 1 in the nation--yes, this nation. Notre Dame gets beat by Stanford, which can’t beat anybody else. Michigan loses three times in six games. Northwestern wins twice. The Rose Bowl race is between . . . Washington and Cal? for the right to meet Illinois?

Wait, it gets funnier.

USC suddenly has those Freedom Bowl and Holiday Bowl scouts licking their lips. Brigham Young beats Miami, but loses to Oregon. Arizona beats Illinois and USC, but loses to Oregon State. Unbeaten Tennessee loses to much-beaten Alabama, 9-6. Texas has a strong 1990 squad after taking the 1980s off. Kansas State beats somebody. Colorado beats somebody on fifth down. Michigan gets ranked No. 1 with a record of 3-1.

“Each Saturday is a surprise,” was USC Coach Larry Smith’s summation after Saturday’s 35-26 loss to Arizona.

No, Lar.

Nothing much surprises us now.

We were surprised awhile ago when Washington beat USC by 31 points, and when the Trojans didn’t score a point. We don’t surprise so easy anymore.

We wouldn’t even have been surprised if you had benched Todd Marinovich. Changing quarterbacks in mid-game worked for Arizona. Might have worked for USC.

One way to make sure Marinovich stays and plays in the NCAA and not the NFL next season might be to show him what the pro teams do when the quarterback isn’t cutting the mustard--yank him. Todd’s entitled to an off day, sure. He has had a couple of them now. If there are any Heisman trophies in his future, they are probably in his distant future.

The temptation to leave a super-duper quarterback out there, just in case he gets hot, could be irresistible. That’s what Smith was doing Saturday. But there were times when Marinovich couldn’t have completed a pass if the receiver had been allowed to call for a fair catch.

“Todd is no different than a pro golfer or tennis player,” Smith said. “We all have our bad days.”

Yes, but we can’t replace a golfer or tennis player or even a coach when they’re having a day. A quarterback having a bad day we can do something about.

Arizona did. Its starter was George Malauulu. It’s pronounced just the way it’s spelled.

By the way, Arizona’s roster included players named Malauulu, Utu, Poumele, Fineanganofo and Mu Tagoal. And USC’s included Tuiasosopo, Tuliau and Moi.

For a while there, I thought I was watching a South Pacific 10 game.

Anyhow, when Malauulu struggled, the Arizona coach replaced him with Ronald Veal, who played about as good a half of football as a player can play.

USC, however, stuck with its starting quarterback, using understudy Shane Foley on only one play.

Fittingly for this football season, it was one of the funniest plays we have ever seen.

On a two-point conversion after a touchdown, Marinovich lined up at quarterback. Foley, a quarterback, lined up at tailback. And then Marinovich went into motion.

That’s right . . . the quarterback went into motion.

But not just any motion. Marinovich walked to his right, waving his hands, pretending to be telling his teammates that they were lined up in the wrong place. While he was doing this, the center snapped the ball to Foley. Then Foley tried to pass it, unsuccessfully.

It was really, really funny. Funniest play since Cal outran the Stanford band.

Well, this is sure the season for it. USC, with its powerhouse team and its cracker-jack quarterback and its proud tradition, is about one defeat away from the John Hancock Bowl. Its chances of appearing on anybody’s TV on New Year’s Day are up there with Charles Keating’s chances of being grand marshal in Anaheim’s Freedom Bowl parade. Not too hot.

The Trojans are not as good as we thought they would be--but who is? They’re no better or worse than most anybody else this season. They could defeat Notre Dame, but Oregon State should worry them. They should take nothing and no one for granted.

“It’s a sign of today’s college football,” Smith said. “There’s not one dominant team.”

Truer words were never spoken. Virginia could be No. 1 next week in all three polls--AP, UPI, Bottom Ten.

Really. It could happen.