Take My California Ballot--Please!

V olumes have been written for and about California’s upcoming elections. This is humorist and political satirist Mort Sahl’s special take on the Golden State’s democratic processes.

In an era in which television journalists contend “government no longer works” and some citizens don’t vote because they feel powerless, California sets a marvelous example by printing a 142-page book setting forth the ballot propositions in excruciating detail and distributing them to each new arrival.

For the bewildered reader, this is my guide to this imposing journal:

Proposition 124. This would allow hospitals to invest in health care organizations, just as doctors have done for years. This splits their portfolios, as well as their fees.

Proposition 125. This would tax car owners to build rail transit systems. The cars usually come from Japan and so do the rail cars. That way the money stays at home. Opponents call it socialized transit, kind of like the Blue Line.

Proposition 126. Having exhausted gas taxes, this proposition would go on to tax alcohol. The money will be used, let us hope, for schools, but probably for the Lottery.

Proposition 127. This one lets you write off earthquake shelters. I once built an air raid shelter, which seemed prudent at the time, alarmist later. And now I wonder if it’s big enough.

Proposition 128. This is the one they call Big Green. Republicans are not as afraid of malathion as they are of Tom Hayden becoming environment czar. This comes as a relief. I thought he wanted Willie Brown’s job. The proposition got its name from the color Hayden turns when he sees Brown in action.

Proposition 129. This gives Dianne Feinstein $740 million to go out and arrest drug dealers personally and build a prison to house them in someone else’s neighborhood.

Proposition 130: This forest acquisition plan proposes to save the redwoods and replace the donkey with the spotted owl as the symbol of the Democratic Party.

Proposition 131: This would limit office-holders to no term. This is an ethics exam for office-holders. It’s multiple-choice, but it’s a beginning.

Proposition 132: This would establish a marine protection zone three miles from our coast to pick up Standard Oil tanker captains and let President Bush drill every time the price of crude oil goes up.

Proposition 133: This one is called the Safe Streets Initiative. It would allow Los Angeles Police Chief Darryl Gates to run for mayor every time Mayor Bradley criticizes the LAPD. Gates would make a great mayor and this would keep him off the streets.

Proposition 134. This would raise money from an alcohol surtax. It is fiscally sound because it makes drinking mandatory.

Proposition 138: The proposition also has to do with the forestry program. It requires Bob Hope to sell the Malibu Mountains to Donald Bren.

Proposition 139: This would utilize convict labor more efficiently. This develops character in malingerers. The prisoners would go condo, earn their way and pay taxes. And this would ensure no one would ever be a repeat offender.

Finally, there is one initiative in which the voters contribute money toward the elections, just like the federal Election Law. This would make us all not only victims, but co-conspirators. They have finally rewritten the Founding Fathers--”To dream of freedom we pledge our lives, our sacred honor, and up to $100.”

All of these propositions rely on taxation or the issuance of bonds, which are eventually worth less and less. In fact, this is not great news for Jerry Brown’s sister, since the condition of California’s finances will eliminate the need for a treasurer.

Speaking of Sacramento, there is a local measure to combine Sacramento city and county. This would in effect quarantine the government so that it could, in the words of the Warner Bros.’ pictures of the ‘30s, “leave decent people alone.”

And then there is the governor’s race. There is Feinstein, who will do anything to defeat a Republican, including imitating one. For example, she says that Pete Wilson was absent from the Congress, which I’d think would weigh heavily in his favor. She even suggests that he usually votes under sedation, which would ensure the youth vote.

As for Wilson himself, he became a senator by defeating Jerry Brown, who has been called the first American in space. Brown himself is trying to solve the re-entry problem. The governor’s race is so close, it reminds one of Gene McCarthy’s first congressional victory. He won by a sliver and went on to become very vocal in the House. One day, while campaigning in Minnesota, a farmer asked him why he made so many speeches. McCarthy said, “You elected me to represent you.” And the farmer replied, “We didn’t elect you that much.”

Why, you ask, doesn’t California have a ballot like Minnesota had? There, the candidates’ names were listed, along with a separate box for “None of the Above.” We don’t have it on the California ballot for the same reason that Minnesota doesn’t have it any more: “None of the Above” kept winning.