Hard Times Have Their Good Points

Don’t you dare tell me that the good times are over. And especially, don’t you dare do it in the form of a commercial that says if I buy an Oldsmobile I can still have fun.

Every day, the news is full of gloom and doom. Didn’t we learn anything from the ‘80s? Didn’t we learn one of life’s most important lessons: Money does not buy happiness. Say it again: Money does not buy happiness. It just buys stuff.

Are you happier now than you were 10 years ago? Not “better off”--I mean smiling, relaxed, physically joyous. What was so great about the ‘80s? So you got a VCR and a phone machine. Hey, I know how hard it is to give up the necessities.

Let’s put it another way. A recession means you won’t be able to get a dual-deck VCR and phone machine that prioritizes your calls. Where is the tragedy?

Before you think I’m playin’ Pollyanna on the piano, I’ll grant you this--unemployment is one of the most painful things to face. But there is a certain cause for optimism in the demographics. The last massive phase of unemployment came when the baby boomer bulge was poking its fat mass into the job market. Now we are facing the baby bust.

There will be jobs. It’s just that everyone won’t be able to be what was known in the ‘80s as a “player.” We all know how happy those people appeared, standing there on the floor of the stock market screaming, “Sell!”

So, put a smile on your face, put your Armani suit in the closet and start practicing “How can I help you? . . . Would you like fries with that?. . .Have you tried the McPizza?”

Better yet, learn to say it in Russian.

A downturn in the economy means you will not have to keep striving to get more, more, more. The Joneses are in trouble too, so you won’t have to keep up with them. No more, “But honey, even the Lenins have a Mercedes.” The feeling that enough was never enough will be replaced with: Let’s just hold on to what we’ve got.

Bearish times shouldn’t leave you growling. It just means putting the quest for status on hold. Anyone who’s ever been there knows that a status high lasts about three minutes anyway--the time between getting a job and realizing that you will have to do the work.

So, come on, Bucky (or No-Bucky), look on the bright side. Recession--not what’s in it for me, but how can I make it through?

We’ll have to find other things to do besides going shopping. This means freeing up hours that were previously spent driving in traffic jams, looking for parking places, searching through schlock, dealing with the incompetent clerk, getting the thing home and discovering that even if it does work, you can’t work it.

What will you do instead? You can still work out without health clubs, Air Jordans and personal trainers. You can get around without a 15-speed mountain bike. Remember, you’re in no hurry; you’re not going anywhere. You can still walk, jog or lie on the floor and work those thighs without spending a dime. Left, right, left . . . You don’t need a Jane Fonda to tell you which way the thigh goes.

And, need I remind you, this and falling in love is still cheaper than buying an Olds? And you don’t need $1.59 a gallon to ride.

Finally, here’s the best news. Anger will be back in. The anger that everyone was supposed to get rid of in the ‘80s can suddenly become our greatest form of entertainment. We can get angry at the politicians who created the economic mess, we can hate the rich, we can go after the market manipulators.

And we can enjoy watching Donald Trump lose more than we’d ever make.

Isn’t that almost worth it? So find yourself a sweetie, learn to bake bread, be nice to the man in the street and hang on.

The economy will rise again. In the mean time, ain’t we got fun?