Suddenly, the Man Is an Expert

They all laughed last year when I picked UCLA to defeat USC. “At what?” they asked. “Synchronized swimming?” One guy in my office who attended USC wondered aloud how I could write such a thing and expect to be taken seriously. Hey, babe, I don’t like to be taken seriously. I just like to be taken.

Anyhow, they would have laughed just as hard last year had I picked UCLA to defeat Cal State Fullerton . . . or Cal Tech . . . or Kal Daniels. Not only did UCLA’s 1989 team not belong in the Rose Bowl, it couldn’t have been elected best float in the Rose parade . The queen’s dress had better material than Terry Donahue.

Yet, that didn’t stop me. Bravely, I went with UCLA. On USC’s field, yet. I demonstrated my courage. I danced with wolves. I dared the men of Troy to spit in my eye. But after the game, they couldn’t. Their chins were too low.

USC lost to UCLA, 10-10.

I know, I know; that’s a tie. But I know and you know--and you know that everybody else knows--that the Trojans got their helmets handed to them. They had excellent football players--even beat Michigan in the Rose Bowl--but they couldn’t beat UCLA. The Bruins tied them up, tied them down.

It was the definite highlight of a UCLA season in which the players protected Donahue’s consecutive streak of victories in bowl games by not playing in one. This is a major accomplishment, by the way, in an American era in which bowl games outnumber Taco Bells and 7-Elevens, two to one.

For USC, last year’s game was a terrible disappointment, mostly because from November to January, all the student body had to look forward to was . . . yuck, basketball .

And now, 12 months later, they’re back! . . . Trojans and Bruins! . . . you know ‘em, you love ‘em! . . . well, you know ‘em! . . . to clash in college football’s greatest rivalry! . . . unless, of course, you attended Michigan, Ohio State, Harvard, Yale, Navy, Army, Stanford, Cal, Texas, Texas A&M;, Wabash or DePauw! . . . Saturday in Pasadena, 12:30 p.m., be there! . . . (or be somewhere else).

And I know what you’re asking:

“Mike, who’s gonna win?”

Well, first off, let me tell you right up front that I haven’t the slightest idea where you get the nerve to think you know me well enough to call me by my first name. And next off, look: I have no personal stake in this game. I did not attend UCLA. I did not go to USC. The college I attended barely had indoor toilets, much less football. We didn’t even have cheerleaders.

Read my lips: I don’t care which team wins.

But what the heck, I’ll take a shot. It’s the least I can do. (The most I can do being early retirement.) My boss is pretty worried that I’ll insult somebody. My boss is one of those guys who believes in being overly respectful and polite and mealy-mouthed about every college football team in America. My boss went to Notre Dame.

Here’s my USC-UCLA scouting report:

TOMMY vs. TODD: Tommy (Auto) Maddox, the UCLA quarterback, has had a better season than Todd (Classes? I Don’t Need No Stinking Classes) Marinovich, and I predict that if Marinovich should decide to turn pro by the end of the season, Maddox should decide to turn pro by the end of Saturday’s third quarter.

Tommy the gun has been one fresh freshman. Only two things kept UCLA from having a miserable season, and one of them was Maddox. The other one was Stanford, which prides itself on keeping just about everybody from having a miserable season.

As for Todd, should he even start? Larry Smith takes out Shane Foley after touchdown drives. Does Foley use too many plays when he leads USC to touchdowns? Does he drink too much Gatorade on the sideline? Does he wipe his dirty hands on the coach’s shirt? What? Come back, Shane, come back!

COACH RED vs. COACH BLUE: I call them that because Smith is always mad and Donahue is always sad.

At least, it seems that way. Larry dislikes agents rubbing elbows with his players and NFL scouts attending practice and referees suspending games because of thunderstorms. Terry thinks everybody in the media is negative unless the next day’s headline reads: UCLA LOSES AGAIN, BUT TRIES REALLY, REALLY HARD.

This game means a possible Liberty Bowl trip for UCLA, putting Donahue’s bowl streak on the line. The Liberty Bowl is in Memphis. If UCLA wins Saturday, the most valuable player should face the TV cameras and say: “I’m going to Graceland!”

BATTLE OF THE BANDS: Advantage, USC. The UCLA team does not have a chance in hell to win this game, and might forfeit it, if the Trojan band plays that school song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, as is its custom. Saddam Hussein would surrender if subjected to similar treatment.

THE REAL ROSE BOWL: This is it. Lord knows you don’t want to watch that thing coming up New Year’s Day. What is it, Washington against Iowa? Boy, I can hardly wait. That game won’t even interest people from Washington or Iowa. That game will have TV ratings like “Cop Rock.”

In Saturday’s big Troy-Donahue battle, I’ll go with the Trojans by a couple of points. But I could be wrong. Could be three.