Attention, Husbands: Matrimonial Advice From a 39-Year Veteran

Gloria Steinem and Molly Yard may want to leave the room.

Evan Keliher, a new resident of Rancho Bernardo, has just written “For Men Only: How to Survive Marriage.”

Probably at bookstores by January or February, published by CCC Productions in Los Angeles (known for the classic “Hormones From Hell”).

Keliher, 59, a retired school administrator, wants to give men a fighting chance to maintain their sanity and self-respect. Here are his rules from Chapter 3: “Early Danger Signs.”

* Women are basically all alike; the apparent differences are illusory.

* Suspect her motives from the first date and look for signs of deception.

* Beware of so-called romantic marriages; it’s more important to know her credit rating and work history.

He recommends bachelorhood and prenuptial agreements (“chock-full of obfuscating flyspecks and legalese”). Here’s his section on in-laws:

“Get half-loaded on the old man’s best Scotch on every visit. Turn on the football game and don’t take your eyes off the screen all afternoon. Insist on eating from a TV table so you won’t miss any of the game.”

So why did Keliher, married these past 39 years, write “For Men . . .”?

“Partly for humanitarian reasons,” he explains. “Married men need all the help they can get. Also, I want fame and fortune. I want to drive a Porsche.”

His chapter on wifely nagging traces nagging back to the late Cretaceous period and notes that one of the all-time nags was Socrates’ spouse, Xanthippe. Hemlock was a pleasure by comparison.

Keliher presumes--hopes, actually--that his book will be controversial. If so, he’s been there before.

When he was working at an inner-city school in Detroit, he published the satiric “New Africa High: A Low Comedy.”

He sold 20,000 copies and adapted the story for a low-budget film called “Rebel High.” He also received numerous death threats.

Our Sewers Are Your Sewers

Seen and heard.

* Your government at work.

The San Diego City Council today will honor the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for including anti-drug messages in their lip-synced songs.

The turtles, who start a five-day run at the Sports Arena on Wednesday, will receive a gold-colored key to the San Diego sewer system.

* Jeannette Roache, wife of sheriff-elect Jim Roache, has resigned as vice president and political operative for the Building Industry Assn.

It’s all part of a shake-up due to the uniting of the political efforts of the BIA, Construction Industry Federation and Assn. of General Contractors.

The new effort will be headed by Frank Panarisi, former assistant chief administrative officer for the county government.

* San Diego Catholic News Notes, the new newsletter for conservative Catholics, is the handiwork of Jim Holman, anti-abortion activist and editor-owner of The Reader.

Santa for the Dogs

News from the north.

* Ho, ho, herpetology.

Anyone interested in having his pet pose with Santa Claus is invited to the Village Fair Shopping Center in Carlsbad from Dec. 1-9.

For $5, you get a color Polaroid. An announcement says it’s a fund-raiser for the North County Humane Society and SPCA, Oceanside.

All pets are welcome. To prove it, the organizers included a picture of Santa with a 10-foot Burmese python wrapped around his neck.

* North County bumper sticker: “Life Is Good. Deal With It.”

* Someone stole a Bible from the purse of a 68-year-old Cardiff woman sitting on a bench in Del Mar. Go figure.

* Headline in the Fallbrook Enterprise: “Do You Still Call It An RV When Its Owners Spend Their Time Volunteering for Hard Work Instead of Enjoying Recreation?”

From the country-Western song of the same title, presumably.