Fax Me Some Freedom: A former Australian...

Fax Me Some Freedom: A former Australian prime minister said he was too busy to visit Iraq to help free 31 Australians held hostage. But he would send his sympathies. By fax. Gough Whitlam’s help had been sought by the captives, but he said in Canberra, Australia, that airline schedules and previous commitments meant he could be in Iraq for only 22 hours this week.

Cartoon Food Too?: J&B; Scotch polled 1,000 people and found that more of them would like to have dinner with cartoon brat Bart Simpson than with President Bush. But given the choice between Bart and Barbara Bush, they selected the First Lady hands down. Also, Ivana Trump was considered a better dining companion than her estranged husband, Donald, by a solid 2-to-1 margin. And figure this one. The Americans polled couldn’t decide between Pope John Paul II, actor Tom Cruise, Trump’s “other lady,” Marla Maples, and the saintly Mother Teresa--they all tied for fourth place.

Bite Down: Most congressmen know how to give a good sound bite, but Rep. Jack Fields is making it a calling. The Republican from Humble, Tex., has informed Texas media that if they need a quote, he is available “at any hour of the day or night.” The not-so-humble representative said he will take their calls either in Washington, D.C., or in his hometown.

15-Year Brief: King Juan Carlos marked the 15th anniversary of his coronation with a visit to the Guadalupe monastery in Spain where his ancestors agreed to finance Columbus’ voyage to the West. It was a fitting place to commemorate the start of his reign, which at first appeared such an unsure proposition that the head of the Communist Party nicknamed him Juan Carlos the Brief.