Volunteers Provide a Line to the Worried Families of Those at the Front

Since the outset of the Persian Gulf War, a single bank of telephones in San Diego has rung continuously. The calls come from the spouses, parents, sons and daughters of men and women fighting in the Middle East.

Those taking the calls describe them as a touching mix of fear, concern and, above all, hope. Since the service was instituted at the 32nd Street Naval Station on Jan. 16, more than 3,000 calls have come to 619-556-9396, and not all are from San Diego.

Inspired by ads on CNN and in newspapers and magazines, calls to the 24-hour phone service come from Oregon and Oklahoma and Delaware--wherever people stricken by war feel a need to reach out and connect.

The line is offered through the Family Services Center, which has its offices at central naval headquarters in San Diego.

Many of those taking the calls are volunteers, but many others are paid staff members of an operation run exclusively by the Navy. Those involved, many of whom have licenses in marriage and family counseling, note that theirs is not a contract operation.

They work for, and are paid by, the Navy.

What they do is hardly limited to phone calls, although, since the start of bombing runs over Baghdad, much of their work has been confined to callers and their concerns. The staff members also hold group sessions similar to 12-step programs of such groups as Alcoholics Anonymous.

The people who attend these sessions are not suffering from drug or alcohol problems. They are, as counselor Sharron Dattilo says, suffering from “grief”--the most natural byproduct of losing a loved one to a lingering, dangerous deployment.

Dattilo, 50, a marriage and family counselor, has noticed a striking change since the war began.

“Before the bombing started, the feelings were much more intense,” she said. “Before, many of the wives and mothers I met felt that everything was up in the air. They were dealing with a fear of the unknown. Strangely, since the war started, those feelings have changed.

“For many of these women, it’s their first deployment. And many of the feelings they have are those of separation, loneliness, isolation. . . . But you get them into groups, and they realize they’re all the same. They bond and connect and hug, and suddenly the pain just isn’t so bad.”

Like any counselor trying to take a person through grief, Dattilo said the women--and it’s mostly women she sees--feel “fear, anger, depression--and, if they do, I really push ‘em to cry. They’ve been told too many times that they’re brave and in charge. A lot of them don’t really feel they have the right to feel.”

Dattilo said that, whether the client is a caller or a member of a group session, he or she endures a “cycle of emotion” common to families with loved ones at war. She described the cycle as follows:

* Denial. “They say, ‘Oh, his ship isn’t going to go,’ ” she said. “ ‘They’ll change the schedule. Something will happen.’ ”

* Bargaining. “They’ll say repeatedly, ‘Peace will prevail. We’ll have talks. We’ll find a way out.’ ”

* Anger. Family members feel angry at the government, at the war and at the loved one who’s gone, Dattilo said. She tells them anger is natural.

“Since Vietnam, a lot of us have been led to believe that we would never again have a war,” she said. “Nowadays, that makes the anger much worse.”

* Exhaustion. “They’ll finally say, ‘I’m just tired. I’m worn out from feeling so bad.’ ”

* Resolution. The final stage, a level permitting peace of mind and a strength that makes coping less stressful.

Dattilo said many calls come from sons in Iowa or daughters in Kansas, who wonder why Mom or Dad hasn’t written. She tries to put them in touch with a military source who can furnish not just an answer but a result.

Counselor Margaret Merrill said many calls are from military family members who seem ignorant of available services, whether it’s spousal employment, programs for the retired or sessions for parents and children.

But many of the calls--and many of the group encounters-- are emotional, providing a window into families struggling with war. Counselor Betty Diamond, 51, who has a master’s degree in clinical psychology, focuses much of her work on children and parents.

She recently took part in a seminar titled “Effective Parenting During Troubled Times,” which showed that children with parents at war may regress “toward babyish ways,” Diamond said--a tip-off that the child is upset and may become more so as the fighting drags on.

“Some are angry that Dad has been taken away,” Diamond said. “Some are troubled by the threat of death. Some believe their father may be dead already. Some have trouble sleeping. Some are more aggressive. Some are more active. Some are self-contained. Some cling more to Mother. And so much of it depends on the tone set by the parent who’s left behind.”

Diamond said the age in which we live complicates and enhances one’s coping with war. She said children tend to react more viscerally because of the second-by-second television coverage.

Many kids are soothed, she said, by the audio and videotapes deployed fathers mail home. Seeing Dad on television, addressing a child by name, does a lot to calm fears, she said.

In terms of television, Diamond recommends that any family--military or civilian--limit the amount of time a child spends watching the news. If and when a child sees a newscast, a parent should be there to “navigate and comfort,” she said.

Each counselor said the bulk of her task is taken up with reassuring those frightened and angered by war.

Said Diamond: “I just try to tell them that they’re normal people . . . going through very abnormal times.”