Toddler’s Mom Loves It When He Just Says No

The dentist tells my 3-year-old son to climb up into the chair, and Jeremy complies without hesitation.

The day-care provider tells him he must sit apart from the group because he’s done something wrong, and he goes without arguing.

Is this my son? The child who has his mouth open to shout “No!” before he’s heard the whole question? How does he keep this obedience so well concealed at home?

When I think about it, I realize the truth: I don’t want his obedience. As much as I would like him to obey me sometimes--it wouldn’t have to be often--I cringe to see him submit so easily to a grown-up’s orders.

There’s a certain beauty to a child’s adamant no. Even as I fume at my son for his obstinacy, I have to smile inside at his utter confidence in the rightness of his position. Or perhaps it’s just a glorious, unflinching determination to stand and defend his turf, right or wrong.

True, his confidence gets him into trouble sometimes.

We put him in ski school on a recent weeklong vacation. There were about eight kids for each instructor. Every time the instructors took their eyes off Jeremy, he would take off down the hill by himself.

For the first few days, the ski teachers reported that he had been “energetic” and “enthusiastic.” On the fifth day, they decided he was more than they were willing to deal with. They kicked him out.

I hated the rejection, but somewhere in my heart I was proud of him. Yup, that’s my boy.

I can see what all his school years are going to be like. Some teachers will find this willful, intractable child to be magical and filled with the potential for greatness. And some will only see a behavior problem.

I choose to see the positive side to his independence. The dentist, the sitter, and the ski instructors all have legitimate requests. But what happens if an adult asks my son to submit to some sort of abuse? I think Jeremy will not do it just because an adult is telling him to. I think he will turn and run away, as he left his ski teachers when he did not want to do as they asked.

What happens when someone inevitably urges him to use illegal drugs? I think he will yell, “No, I don’t want to!” the way he does when we tell him it’s time to take his bath.

I wonder about the “nos” that spring so easily from his young lips. It seems so many adults have lost that wonderful word, lost the ability to follow our instincts, lost the will to just plain refuse.

Where did our “nos” go? Wasn’t there a time in all our lives when we confidently spoke up for our rights, regardless of the consequences? How many scoldings, spankings or defeats did it take to drive the “no” out of us? And what would it take--how important would an issue have to be--to make us stand up and shout “no!” again?

My husband and I look at our firstborn and shake our heads in admiration and exhaustion at his defiance, his self-assuredness, his relentless resistance to our will.

Our son will be a great leader one day, I say, because he’ll never let anyone push him around.

He’d better be a good leader, my husband adds, because he’ll be a lousy follower.

Well, that’s fine with me. I love my son’s stubbornness. I love his independence. I love to hear him say “no.”