MAKING IT WORK : Ways for Singles to Cope--Happily

A woman can’t be whole if her “other half” is somewhere out there in the form of an elusive “Mr. Right.”

Far too many women are waiting for that man. So forget him, says Laguna Beach psychotherapist Ruth Luban.

You can be happy without a husband, she tells lonely, middle-age single women who haven’t been able to shake the Prince Charming fantasy with which their generation was raised.

Luban, who is 47 and single, says “happily ever after” can be now if you:

* Identify the fears that keep you from adjusting to being alone. Some fears may be traced to deep wounds from your childhood that need to be addressed in therapy so they won’t keep holding you back.

* Develop a network of single friends to help meet your need for companionship. Joining a support group for single women is a good way to start.

* Strengthen family ties or create your own “family” with whom to share special occasions. And enjoy the closeness you have with your children (without clinging to them).

* Expand your definition of intimacy to include close friendships with men. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You lose a lot of opportunities for companionship when you show interest only in men you see as potential lovers.

* Identify your interests and enjoy the freedom you have to pursue them. Join clubs, take classes, travel. You’ll be happier--in married as well as single life--if you don’t put your passions aside to live in someone else’s shadow.

* Get help from a financial planner or attend workshops to learn how to prepare for your future. If Mr. Right doesn’t come along, you will need to be self-sufficient, and that doesn’t happen overnight.

* Find ways to meet your spiritual needs.

If you feel fulfilled on your own in every possible way, you’ll approach life--and men--with self-assurance instead of desperation. And when your frame of mind is positive, Luban stresses, good things are more likely to happen.