Personalized Love Story Can Be a Novel Valentine’s Gift

Some of you may have remembered that Valentine’s Day will soon be upon us.

This is an ideal time to express your love to those you are closest to. Gift giving is appropriate.

If you are not close to anyone at this time, Valentine’s Day is an ideal excuse to become so. Gift giving could help.

If, however, you do not feel comfortable with the idea of gift giving, then you should know that the greeting card industry was created especially for people like you, cheapskate.

No wonder you’re not close to anyone at this time.

Then again, maybe you’re just a romantic, someone who’s fed up with the ho-hum. This means different things to different people, one of life’s little caveats that becomes quaintly apparent on Valentine’s Day.

Take the Panty of the Month Club, for instance.

“This delightful gift of romance has been profiled by CNN, MTV, USA Today and Playboy Magazine,” says the ad that ran in the Los Angeles Times magazine just in time for Valentine’s Day. “Don’t be fooled by cheap imitations.”

Which may or may not be Maggie T’s Pantasy Club. I’m definitely not saying. God knows it’s bad enough being fooled by, say, Milli Vanilli without being taken in by panties delivered in three-, six- and 12-month installments.

But I will tell you that the Panty of the Month Club and Maggie T’s, whose ad ran just below the Club’s, both bill themselves as “the Perfect Valentine.”

Which they may well be. As I say, romance is one of those highly personal things. I mean, within limits.

Or, say, blanks. As in:

Her flimsy sarong did not hinder (his name here)’s exploration. His hands roved her back, then grasped her waist. One broad hand moved up her rib cage. . . .

Uh, you get the idea.

Not that this one is mine , for God’s sake.

Me, I would have changed that sarong to, say, a leotard, thereby creating dramatic tension while at the same time, forcing our characters to engage in some form of sustained physical exercise, which, don’t you know, we could all use more of these days.

But (deep sigh) the above passage is the work of Evelyn Brown, a happily married mother of two who writes personalized romance novels from her home in Yorba Linda.

Brown can tell you a thing or two about the limits of romance.

“Whether they go to Bali with a bottle of oil or they have a condo in Fullerton, what’s the difference?” says Brown.

Now don’t be fooled. Brown is no cheap imitation. She is a romantic, albeit a pragmatic one. Valentine’s Day is one of her so-called peak experiences--”although it’s getting so there just aren’t any valleys.”

It seems that highly successful men in the age range of 35 to 55 who are running out of wild and extravagantly romantic things to do for their wives and/or lovers (often two different women entirely, and at the same time even), are coming to Brown with their hearts on their sleeves.

“Please, Evelyn!” they say. “Tell the story of my romance with my special gal!”

Or something along those lines.

So naturally, Brown obliges. She founded Swan Publishing, with its three fill-in-the-blanks romance novels (“Our Love,” “Paradise Dream” and, my personal favorite, “Lotto Love”) with just that purpose in mind.

(Plus, Brown’s family steam fitting and boiler equipment business--”not too romantic but steamy nonetheless”--was sold.)

“I’m not here to pass judgment,” says Brown. “Just send me the check.”

So, for $45, Brown will program her computer to cast you and your sweetheart in the leading roles of any of her 100-page, hardcover novels. For an extra $15, she’ll throw in hair and eye color, the names of friends and pets and your choice of “sensuality level”--i.e. candlelight or burning embers .

And for those wanting all that and more (!), $200 will buy a variety of truly unique details (favorite hobby, favorite dinner and that special joke or “sign” the couple share) plus a true-life epilogue of the couple’s very own love story.

“You can kind of get the gist of what type of people they are,” Brown says of her clients. “Say, if they are city people, you could say their love is as mighty as the high-rise they live in.”

(Please note: Brown says she’s currently able to accommodate only opposite-sex relationships because “it takes a lot more than just changing the pronouns.”)

But let me just interject a word of advice here: What’s $200 when you’re talking Valentine’s Day? I say go for the gusto!

Or, at the very least, (your name here), some heavy swooning.

With or without your Panty of the Month on, of course. As I said, romance is one of those highly personal things.